Thursday, July 18, 2013
Oras ng almusal
Donya: Bilang katulong, tandaan mo na ang almusal dito ay alas-sais empunto.
Maid: Walang problema donya, kung tulog pa ako sa oras na iyon, mauna na kayong mag-almusal..
Erap sa Museum
Si Erap nakabasag ng vase sa Museum.
ATTENDANT: naku sir, more than 500 years old na po yang vase.
ERAP: hay salamat. Akala ko bago
Magtatanim si Erap
Nagbubungkal ng lupa si Erap para magtanim. Akala ng nakakita niloloko lang siya dahil wala naman siyang tinatanim.
BANTAY: sir, wala naman kayong tinatanim ah.
ERAP: bobo! Seedless to!
Erap sa library
Sinoli ni Erap ang libro sa library.
ERAP: sobrang dami ng characters wala naman storya.
LIBRARIAN: kayo pala kumuha ng telephone directory namin!
Sa kasalan
PARI: sana ang donation mo ay katumbas ng ganda ng pakakasalan mo.
GROOM: eto P5, father. (sinipat ng pari ang bride.)
PARI: eto P4 sukli mo iho.
Erap sa hearing ng kaso
JUDGE: Ano ba talaga nangyari?
ERAP:? (di nagsasalita)
JUDGE: Sumagot ka sa tanong.
ERAP: Naman eh!!! Kala ko ba hearing lang to??? Bakit may speaking?
Gift
BF : May ibibigay akong gift sayo, pero hulaan mo muna!
GF: Sige, clue naman...
BF: Kailangan ito ng leeg mo.
GF: Kwintas?
BF: Hindi...PANGHILOD!
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Kalokohan daw
DOC: Bukod sa akin, may nauna ka ba kinunsulta sa sakit mo?
PEDRO: Sa albularyo po!
EDOC: Anong KALOKOHAN ipinayo sa iyo?
PEDRO: Magpunta daw ako sa inyo..
PEDRO: Sa albularyo po!
EDOC: Anong KALOKOHAN ipinayo sa iyo?
PEDRO: Magpunta daw ako sa inyo..
Nagmula sa Unggoy
TEACHER: Lahat tayo nagmula kay Adan at Eva
PEDRO: Mam, hindi po totoo yan. Sabi ng tatay ko, nagmula daw tayo sa unggoy!
TEACHER: iho, hindi natin pinag-uusapan dito pamilya mo!
PEDRO: Mam, hindi po totoo yan. Sabi ng tatay ko, nagmula daw tayo sa unggoy!
TEACHER: iho, hindi natin pinag-uusapan dito pamilya mo!
Late
TITSER : Bakit late ka pedro ?
PEDRO : Nahulog ho kasi yung 500 peso bill nung mama’…
TITSER : At tinulungan mong maghanap ?
PEDRO : Hindi po’…Tinapakan ko lang po’ hanggang umalis siya, …kaya po ako late.
PEDRO : Nahulog ho kasi yung 500 peso bill nung mama’…
TITSER : At tinulungan mong maghanap ?
PEDRO : Hindi po’…Tinapakan ko lang po’ hanggang umalis siya, …kaya po ako late.
Homework
BOY : Tulungan nyo naman ako sa homework ko, …Find the least common denominator.
DAD : Ha? Aba’y grade three pa lang ako eh hinahanap na yan ah! Aba’y di pa ba nila nakikita?
DAD : Ha? Aba’y grade three pa lang ako eh hinahanap na yan ah! Aba’y di pa ba nila nakikita?
May Sakit
DUKTOR : Umubo ka!
PEDRO : Ubho! Ubho! Ubho!
DUKTOR : Ubo pa!
PEDRO : Ubho! Ubho! Ubho!
DUKTOR : Okay….
PEDRO : Ano po sakit ko doc ?
DUKTOR : . . .Ubo, . . .May ubo ka….
PEDRO : Ubho! Ubho! Ubho!
DUKTOR : Ubo pa!
PEDRO : Ubho! Ubho! Ubho!
DUKTOR : Okay….
PEDRO : Ano po sakit ko doc ?
DUKTOR : . . .Ubo, . . .May ubo ka….
Manhid pala
Pedro: Pare, bat naman hanggang ngayon wala ka pang syota? wala ka pa bang napupusuan?
Juan: Meron.. Manhid ka lang!
Juan: Meron.. Manhid ka lang!
Magdrawing ng Isda
TEACHER: Class! drawing kayo ng khit anong uri ng isda..
STUDENTS: yes mam!!
TEACHER: Pedro, bakit ang gulo ng drawing mo?
PEDRO: wag ka ngang epal mam, BAGOONG yan!!!
STUDENTS: yes mam!!
TEACHER: Pedro, bakit ang gulo ng drawing mo?
PEDRO: wag ka ngang epal mam, BAGOONG yan!!!
Kahilingan
Binuksan ni Pedro ang mahiwagang bote. May lumabas na genie…
GENIE: You have 1 wish!
Pedro: Gusto kong gumandang lalaki!
GENIE: Buksan mo ang bote!
Pedro: Gagandang lalaki na ako?
GENIE: Hindi, babalik na lang ako sa bote..
GENIE: You have 1 wish!
Pedro: Gusto kong gumandang lalaki!
GENIE: Buksan mo ang bote!
Pedro: Gagandang lalaki na ako?
GENIE: Hindi, babalik na lang ako sa bote..
Saturday, July 13, 2013
Si Juan Nagbakasyon Sa Resort
Nakahiga Si Pedro Malapit Sa Beach.
May Dumaan Na Amerikano.
Amerkano: Hey Are You Relaxing?
Pedro: No!
May Dumaan Na Tsino.
Tsino: Are You Relaxing?
Pedro: No Im Not!
May Dumaan Namang Hapon...
Hapon: Are You Relaxing?
Pedro: No Im Not Relaxing
Nabwisit Si Pedro Kaya Naglakad Lakad Sya Ng May Nakita Syang Koreano Na Nakahiga.
Pedro: Are You Relaxing?
Koreano: Yes Im Relaxing!
Pedro: (Binatukan Ni Pedro) T***g In* Mo Ikaw Lang Pala Si Relaxing Kanina Kapa Hinahanap Ng Kasama Mo Napagkamalan Pa Akong Si Relaxing..
May Dumaan Na Amerikano.
Amerkano: Hey Are You Relaxing?
Pedro: No!
May Dumaan Na Tsino.
Tsino: Are You Relaxing?
Pedro: No Im Not!
May Dumaan Namang Hapon...
Hapon: Are You Relaxing?
Pedro: No Im Not Relaxing
Nabwisit Si Pedro Kaya Naglakad Lakad Sya Ng May Nakita Syang Koreano Na Nakahiga.
Pedro: Are You Relaxing?
Koreano: Yes Im Relaxing!
Pedro: (Binatukan Ni Pedro) T***g In* Mo Ikaw Lang Pala Si Relaxing Kanina Kapa Hinahanap Ng Kasama Mo Napagkamalan Pa Akong Si Relaxing..
maging paglaki
Teacher; Pedro anung pangarap mo sa buhay mo??
Pedro; maging doktor po makatulong sa kapwa po,,,,,
Teacher; good,,,,,ikaw juan??
Jjuan; maging nurse po para matulungan ang kapwa poh
Teacher; ikaw Santiago???
Santiago; uhmmmmm,,,,,maging kapwa po para tutulungan nila aku,, hahahhahahaha
Pedro; maging doktor po makatulong sa kapwa po,,,,,
Teacher; good,,,,,ikaw juan??
Jjuan; maging nurse po para matulungan ang kapwa poh
Teacher; ikaw Santiago???
Santiago; uhmmmmm,,,,,maging kapwa po para tutulungan nila aku,, hahahhahahaha
Di makahinga
Juan : O pare bat may Tali yang Paa mo?
Pedro: Eh gusto ko kasing mag bigti eh.
Juan: E bakit sa paa diba sa Leeg yan nilalagay?
Pedro: Oo nga pare e sinubukan ko na yan kanina eh ………
hindi ako maka hinga pare eh…
Pedro: Eh gusto ko kasing mag bigti eh.
Juan: E bakit sa paa diba sa Leeg yan nilalagay?
Pedro: Oo nga pare e sinubukan ko na yan kanina eh ………
hindi ako maka hinga pare eh…
Wala yan sa lolo ko
Vic: alam nyo lolo ko nagpagawa ng bahay bubong pa lang 1milyon na..
Joey: ang yaman naman, pero wala yan sa lolo ko nagpagawa ng bahay me swimming pool pa sa bubong 10 million inabot..
Ryza: wala naman pala kwenta mga lolo niyo ehh..lolo ko bubong palang 200milyon na.
Vic: weh di nga?
Joey: bakit san ba nakatira lolo mo?
Ryza: sa ilalim ng fly over.... ngehhaakkk...whahaha..
Joey: ang yaman naman, pero wala yan sa lolo ko nagpagawa ng bahay me swimming pool pa sa bubong 10 million inabot..
Ryza: wala naman pala kwenta mga lolo niyo ehh..lolo ko bubong palang 200milyon na.
Vic: weh di nga?
Joey: bakit san ba nakatira lolo mo?
Ryza: sa ilalim ng fly over.... ngehhaakkk...whahaha..
Pakasal na daw
Bf: Pakasal na tayo?
Gf: Sige
Bf: San mo gusto ? sa pari oh sa mayor?
Gf: Syempre sayo! Tangang to.. nirereto pako sa iba.. HAHAHAHA...
Gf: Sige
Bf: San mo gusto ? sa pari oh sa mayor?
Gf: Syempre sayo! Tangang to.. nirereto pako sa iba.. HAHAHAHA...
Isda
Tindero: bili kau isda dyan sariwang sariwa 2
pedro:(napansin ang tindero) pabili nga sariwa ba yan?
Tindero: syempre naman po sariwang sariwa 2 sir
pedro: anong sariwa? tiggnan mo nga ang mata nang isda pulang pula sariwa ba yun? hindi naman ehhh! tindero: ehhhh baliw ka pala ehhh!!
pedro: bakit ako ang baliw ikaw ang baliw hindi ako
Tindero: ikaw kaya sumisid sa dagat nang tatlong taon tiganan natin kung di pumula ang mata mo
pedro: (nganga)
pedro:(napansin ang tindero) pabili nga sariwa ba yan?
Tindero: syempre naman po sariwang sariwa 2 sir
pedro: anong sariwa? tiggnan mo nga ang mata nang isda pulang pula sariwa ba yun? hindi naman ehhh! tindero: ehhhh baliw ka pala ehhh!!
pedro: bakit ako ang baliw ikaw ang baliw hindi ako
Tindero: ikaw kaya sumisid sa dagat nang tatlong taon tiganan natin kung di pumula ang mata mo
pedro: (nganga)
Yosi
Juan: Nagyoyosi ka?
Pedro: Oo.
Juan: Ilang kaha sa isang araw?
Pedro: tatlo..
Juan: Magkano isang kaha?
Pedro: 40 pesos
Juan: Gano kana katagal nagyoyosi?
Pedro: 15 years.
Juan: Kung ang isang kaha ay 40 pesos, nakaka-tatlong kaha ka sa isang araw bali sa isang buwan nakaka P3,600 pesos ka. Sa isang taon meron kang 43,200 pesos, Tama?
Pedro: Oo?!
Juan: Alam mo ba kung hindi ka nagyoyosi, naipon mo sana ang pera mo nailagay mo sana sa bangko at nakabili ka na sana ng sports car?!
Pedro: ikaw nagyoyosi ka ba?
Juan: hindi.
Pedro: ohh,loko ka pala eh. asan yung sports car mo?!
Pedro: Oo.
Juan: Ilang kaha sa isang araw?
Pedro: tatlo..
Juan: Magkano isang kaha?
Pedro: 40 pesos
Juan: Gano kana katagal nagyoyosi?
Pedro: 15 years.
Juan: Kung ang isang kaha ay 40 pesos, nakaka-tatlong kaha ka sa isang araw bali sa isang buwan nakaka P3,600 pesos ka. Sa isang taon meron kang 43,200 pesos, Tama?
Pedro: Oo?!
Juan: Alam mo ba kung hindi ka nagyoyosi, naipon mo sana ang pera mo nailagay mo sana sa bangko at nakabili ka na sana ng sports car?!
Pedro: ikaw nagyoyosi ka ba?
Juan: hindi.
Pedro: ohh,loko ka pala eh. asan yung sports car mo?!
Jumanji
JINKY: Manny, pagmagkaka-anak uli tayo, ano mgandang name?
MANNY: E di, combine na lng name ntin.. 'manky' .
ALING DIONISIA: Aba, kailangan ksali rin pangalan ko!
MANNY: Naku, midyo mahirap yun nay.
ALING DIONISIA: Hindi ah, may naesep na nga ako eh.
MANNY: Talaga Nay? Anu?
ALING DIONISIA: Diomanji!
MANNY: E di, combine na lng name ntin.. 'manky' .
ALING DIONISIA: Aba, kailangan ksali rin pangalan ko!
MANNY: Naku, midyo mahirap yun nay.
ALING DIONISIA: Hindi ah, may naesep na nga ako eh.
MANNY: Talaga Nay? Anu?
ALING DIONISIA: Diomanji!
Windows
TINDERA: Sir bili na po kayo dito ng kurtina!
ERAP: Sige bili ako para sa computer ko
TINDERA: Bakit po computer?
ERAP: Kasi may windows ang computer ko eh.
ERAP: Sige bili ako para sa computer ko
TINDERA: Bakit po computer?
ERAP: Kasi may windows ang computer ko eh.
Diwata
DIWATA: Ano ang iyong kahilingan?
PANGET: Nakikita mo ang mapang ito? Dalhin mo ako sa bansang ito (new york) at sa babaeng nkalaan pra skin.
DIWATA: Sorry, hanggang dito lng sa pilipinas ang powers ko, iba na lang ang hilingin mo.
PANGET: Sige, maging normal na tao ka na lng at pakasalanan mo ako...
DIWATA: Patingin nga ng P*TANG INANG mapa na yan, at baka magawan ko ng paraan!!!
PANGET: Nakikita mo ang mapang ito? Dalhin mo ako sa bansang ito (new york) at sa babaeng nkalaan pra skin.
DIWATA: Sorry, hanggang dito lng sa pilipinas ang powers ko, iba na lang ang hilingin mo.
PANGET: Sige, maging normal na tao ka na lng at pakasalanan mo ako...
DIWATA: Patingin nga ng P*TANG INANG mapa na yan, at baka magawan ko ng paraan!!!
DNA
REPORTER: Sir, kung wala po kayong evidence, witness or suspect ano na po ang next step ninyo??
POLICE: DNA na...
REPORTER: Sir, ano po yung DNA?
POLICE: "Di Namin Alam"
POLICE: DNA na...
REPORTER: Sir, ano po yung DNA?
POLICE: "Di Namin Alam"
Friday, July 12, 2013
MILITARY MOTTO'S:
ARMY-no retreat, no surrender!
AIRFORCE- no guts, no glory;
NAVY - no pain, no gain;
POLICE- no valor, no honor;
SECURITY GUARD- NO ID, NO ENTRY!
AIRFORCE- no guts, no glory;
NAVY - no pain, no gain;
POLICE- no valor, no honor;
SECURITY GUARD- NO ID, NO ENTRY!
MORE NGO NGO
The ngo-ngo was guiding a truck driver back up a parking slot.
Sigaw ng ngo-ngo: "A-asya, a-asya!"
Atras, ang truck driver.
Sigaw ulit si ngo-ngo: "A-asya, a-asya!"
Tuloy ang atras ng driver.
Nagpa-panick na si ngo-ngo: "A-asya, a-asya!"
All of a sudden, malaking KALABOG! Sumapok ang truck kung saan. Galit ang driver at bumaba ng truck: "Anak ka ng patola, sabi mo kakasiya, eh bakit ako bumangga?"
Nang tignan ng driver kung ano ang nasapok niya, eh may puno sa kanyang likuran. Sabi ng ngongo: "Sabi ngo naman sa iyo may puno ng aasya e!"
Sigaw ng ngo-ngo: "A-asya, a-asya!"
Atras, ang truck driver.
Sigaw ulit si ngo-ngo: "A-asya, a-asya!"
Tuloy ang atras ng driver.
Nagpa-panick na si ngo-ngo: "A-asya, a-asya!"
All of a sudden, malaking KALABOG! Sumapok ang truck kung saan. Galit ang driver at bumaba ng truck: "Anak ka ng patola, sabi mo kakasiya, eh bakit ako bumangga?"
Nang tignan ng driver kung ano ang nasapok niya, eh may puno sa kanyang likuran. Sabi ng ngongo: "Sabi ngo naman sa iyo may puno ng aasya e!"
NGO NGO ISA PA
NGO NGO ISA PA
Si ngongo ay right-hand passenger side ng dyipni. Tumatakbo sila sa isang makitid na kalye sa may bukid.
Sabi ng driver,"Ngongo, tingnan mo diyan sa kanan, at ako dito sa kaliwa. Sabihin mo sa akin kung kanan o kaliwa at baka tayo mahulog sa bukid".
Sagot ni Ngongo,"O-ey Moss" So there, takbo sila.
Nang biglang sabi ni Ngongo, "kaniwa, kaniwa". So turn-to-the left si driver. "Bah, okay palang guide itong si Ngongo", sabi ng driver.
Later, sabi ni Ngongo, "Kanan, kanan". So turn to the right si driver, "Okay talagang guide si Ngongo".
Later on, while smoothly driving, sumigaw si Ngongo, "Nganan, Nganan, kanan sabi eh".
So turn to the right si driver nang bigla silang nahulog sa kanal.
Sabi ng driver na galit na galit, "Ngongo sabi mo kanan, kumanan naman ako bakit nahulog tayo dito sa kanal?".
Sagot ni Ngongo,"Ay tange, habi ko nganan, mayrong’ nganan, ayaw ngang manginig". (Iyon pala, sabi ni Ngongo "kanal, kanal, kanal sabi eh".
Si ngongo ay right-hand passenger side ng dyipni. Tumatakbo sila sa isang makitid na kalye sa may bukid.
Sabi ng driver,"Ngongo, tingnan mo diyan sa kanan, at ako dito sa kaliwa. Sabihin mo sa akin kung kanan o kaliwa at baka tayo mahulog sa bukid".
Sagot ni Ngongo,"O-ey Moss" So there, takbo sila.
Nang biglang sabi ni Ngongo, "kaniwa, kaniwa". So turn-to-the left si driver. "Bah, okay palang guide itong si Ngongo", sabi ng driver.
Later, sabi ni Ngongo, "Kanan, kanan". So turn to the right si driver, "Okay talagang guide si Ngongo".
Later on, while smoothly driving, sumigaw si Ngongo, "Nganan, Nganan, kanan sabi eh".
So turn to the right si driver nang bigla silang nahulog sa kanal.
Sabi ng driver na galit na galit, "Ngongo sabi mo kanan, kumanan naman ako bakit nahulog tayo dito sa kanal?".
Sagot ni Ngongo,"Ay tange, habi ko nganan, mayrong’ nganan, ayaw ngang manginig". (Iyon pala, sabi ni Ngongo "kanal, kanal, kanal sabi eh".
NGO NGO
NGO NGO
Si Ngongo ay pumunta sa isang tindahan para bumili ng soda."Mabili nga o nang Mebsi." Ang sabi niya.
"Anong sabi mo?", ang tanong ni Mang Gaston na siga ng lugar.
"Meb-si! Meb-si!", sigaw ni Ngongo.
Aba at huwag mo ‘kong sisigawan", ang galit ni Mang Gaston at sinakal niya si Ngongo. "Anong gusto mong bilihin hayop ka?"
"Ngok, ngok", hindi makahinga si Ngongo.
"Eh Coke lang pala, hindi mo masabi ng mahusay."
Si Ngongo ay pumunta sa isang tindahan para bumili ng soda."Mabili nga o nang Mebsi." Ang sabi niya.
"Anong sabi mo?", ang tanong ni Mang Gaston na siga ng lugar.
"Meb-si! Meb-si!", sigaw ni Ngongo.
Aba at huwag mo ‘kong sisigawan", ang galit ni Mang Gaston at sinakal niya si Ngongo. "Anong gusto mong bilihin hayop ka?"
"Ngok, ngok", hindi makahinga si Ngongo.
"Eh Coke lang pala, hindi mo masabi ng mahusay."
Mile Away
ERAP: (singing) "Mile away . . . . you're so many mile away from me "
LOI: Hon, lagyan mo ng letter "s" yung mile!
ERAP: Smile away, you're so many smile away from me . . ."
LOI: Hon, lagyan mo ng letter "s" yung mile!
ERAP: Smile away, you're so many smile away from me . . ."
Sakit ulo ni Erap
Erap: Doc, ang ulo ka laging masakit
Doc: Ganyan po talaga, katulad ng sikmura na kapag walang laman, laging sumasakit.
Doc: Ganyan po talaga, katulad ng sikmura na kapag walang laman, laging sumasakit.
Plantsa
Doc: Ano po ba nangyari sa ears niyo?
Erap: Namamlantsa ko tumawag si hon ko, plantsa ang nadampot ko hindi yung telepono.
Doc: Yung kabilang ear?
Erap: Putris na asawa ko...tumawag ba naman ulit.
Erap: Namamlantsa ko tumawag si hon ko, plantsa ang nadampot ko hindi yung telepono.
Doc: Yung kabilang ear?
Erap: Putris na asawa ko...tumawag ba naman ulit.
10 Feet Snake
LOI: Hon, may regalo ako sa yo, galing daw ito sa India. It's a 10 feet snake.
ERAP: Ow, Niloloko mo naman ako eh. di ako ganoon katanga. Ang snake walang feet ano!
ERAP: Ow, Niloloko mo naman ako eh. di ako ganoon katanga. Ang snake walang feet ano!
Monday, July 8, 2013
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Napahiya
Isang umaga sa classroom ni Miss Bubuli, busy siya sa pagbabasa ng kanilang lesson for the day. Tumayo siya sa harapan ng mga grade 2 pupils.
Miss Bubuli: Ang pag-aaralan natin ngayon ay tungkol sa iba't-ibang bahagi ng ating katawan. Ganito ang gagawin natin, ituturo ko ang parte ng aking katawan at sasabihin ninyo kung ano ito.
Class: Yes ma'am.
Miss Bubuli: Umpisahan n-atin kay Marta. Anong bahagi ng katawan ito? ( Sabay turo sa pigi )
Marta: Pigi, ma'am.
Miss Bubuli: Very good, Marta. Ikaw naman Jose, ano naman ang pangalan nito (nakaturo sa batok)
Jose: Batok po, ma'am.
Miss Bubuli: Correct. Well done, Jose.
Iginala niya ang paningin kay Bitoy na medyo inaantok.
Miss Bubuli: Bitoy, ikaw naman, ano namang bahagi ito (nakaturo sa ipin)
Bitoy: (Medyo nagulat at napatayo kaagad) Eh, ma'am, kuwan po.
Miss Bubuli: Huwag mong sabihin, Bitoy, na 'di mo alam kung anong pangalan nitong itinuturo ko ?
Bitoy: Alam ko po, ma'am.
Miss Bubuli: Ano? Sabihin mo na, dali!
Bitoy: Dahon ng malunggay, ma'am
Miss Bubuli: Ang pag-aaralan natin ngayon ay tungkol sa iba't-ibang bahagi ng ating katawan. Ganito ang gagawin natin, ituturo ko ang parte ng aking katawan at sasabihin ninyo kung ano ito.
Class: Yes ma'am.
Miss Bubuli: Umpisahan n-atin kay Marta. Anong bahagi ng katawan ito? ( Sabay turo sa pigi )
Marta: Pigi, ma'am.
Miss Bubuli: Very good, Marta. Ikaw naman Jose, ano naman ang pangalan nito (nakaturo sa batok)
Jose: Batok po, ma'am.
Miss Bubuli: Correct. Well done, Jose.
Iginala niya ang paningin kay Bitoy na medyo inaantok.
Miss Bubuli: Bitoy, ikaw naman, ano namang bahagi ito (nakaturo sa ipin)
Bitoy: (Medyo nagulat at napatayo kaagad) Eh, ma'am, kuwan po.
Miss Bubuli: Huwag mong sabihin, Bitoy, na 'di mo alam kung anong pangalan nitong itinuturo ko ?
Bitoy: Alam ko po, ma'am.
Miss Bubuli: Ano? Sabihin mo na, dali!
Bitoy: Dahon ng malunggay, ma'am
English Translations of Filipino Names
Remigio Batungbacal - Remington Steel
Bienvenido Jurado - Ben Hur
Federico Hagibis - Federal Express
Eleoterio Ignacio - Electronic Ignition
Casimiro Bukaykay - Cashmir Bouquet
Rogelio Dagdag - Roger Moore
Topacio Mamaril - Top Gun
Restituto Pruto - Tutti Frutti
Samuel Tampipi - Sam Sonite
Veneracion De Asis - Venereal Disease
Francisco Portero - Frank Furter
Diosdado Durante - Deo Dorant
Bienvenido Jurado - Ben Hur
Federico Hagibis - Federal Express
Eleoterio Ignacio - Electronic Ignition
Casimiro Bukaykay - Cashmir Bouquet
Rogelio Dagdag - Roger Moore
Topacio Mamaril - Top Gun
Restituto Pruto - Tutti Frutti
Samuel Tampipi - Sam Sonite
Veneracion De Asis - Venereal Disease
Francisco Portero - Frank Furter
Diosdado Durante - Deo Dorant
NAME OF PINOY STORES
Ali Baka ( Shawarma )
Anita BakeryBeefer 150 ( Meat Shop )
Common Cents Store ( Sari-sari Store )
Crispy per minute ( Crispy Pata Eatery )
Curl Up And Dye ( Beauty Salon )
Doris Day and Night ( 24 hour eatery )
Elizabeth Tailoring
Farmacia With Love ( A Drugstore )
Felix the Cut ( Barber Shop )
Funeraria Mabuhay
Tree's Company
Goto Haven
Goldirocks ( Gravel & Sand Shop )
Labo Optical
L.B.M. Restaurant
Maid To Order ( Maids Placement Agency )
Mane Attraction ( Beauty Parlor )
Meating Place ( Meat Shop )
Memory Drug ( A Mercury Drug Clone )
Nacho Fast ( Nachos To Go )
O'Beer Time ( Bar cum Nightclub )
Passers Buy ( Convenience Store )
Perm Foundation ( A Christian Beauty Salon )
Petal Attraction ( Flower Shop )
Second Time Around ( Second Hand Watch Store )
TapSi TurBi ( Tapa, Sinangag, Turon at Bibingka )
The Way We Wear ( Boutique )
Wash & Carry ( Laundromat )
Mercy Buko ( Fresh Coconut Roadside Shop )
Dear Hunter ( Mail Order Brides )
MacDonuts ( Donut Shop )
Mat & Jeep ( Jeep Accessories Shop )
Your Best Vet ( Veterinary Clinic )
Anita BakeryBeefer 150 ( Meat Shop )
Common Cents Store ( Sari-sari Store )
Crispy per minute ( Crispy Pata Eatery )
Curl Up And Dye ( Beauty Salon )
Doris Day and Night ( 24 hour eatery )
Elizabeth Tailoring
Farmacia With Love ( A Drugstore )
Felix the Cut ( Barber Shop )
Funeraria Mabuhay
Tree's Company
Goto Haven
Goldirocks ( Gravel & Sand Shop )
Labo Optical
L.B.M. Restaurant
Maid To Order ( Maids Placement Agency )
Mane Attraction ( Beauty Parlor )
Meating Place ( Meat Shop )
Memory Drug ( A Mercury Drug Clone )
Nacho Fast ( Nachos To Go )
O'Beer Time ( Bar cum Nightclub )
Passers Buy ( Convenience Store )
Perm Foundation ( A Christian Beauty Salon )
Petal Attraction ( Flower Shop )
Second Time Around ( Second Hand Watch Store )
TapSi TurBi ( Tapa, Sinangag, Turon at Bibingka )
The Way We Wear ( Boutique )
Wash & Carry ( Laundromat )
Mercy Buko ( Fresh Coconut Roadside Shop )
Dear Hunter ( Mail Order Brides )
MacDonuts ( Donut Shop )
Mat & Jeep ( Jeep Accessories Shop )
Your Best Vet ( Veterinary Clinic )
Sa isang mumurahing airline:
Stewardess: Sir, would you like some dinner?
Passenger: Ano ba ang mga choices?
Stewardess: Yes or No lang....
Passenger: Ano ba ang mga choices?
Stewardess: Yes or No lang....
Manhid pala
Pedro: Pare, bat naman hanggang ngayon wala ka pang syota? wala ka pa bang napupusuan?
Juan: Meron.. Manhid ka lang!
Juan: Meron.. Manhid ka lang!
Holdapan Scene
Holduper: Pili ka, wallet mo o pasabugin utak mo?
Biktima: Ikaw na bahala, pareho naman yan - walang laman!
Biktima: Ikaw na bahala, pareho naman yan - walang laman!
Sa isang ospital...
Lola (may cancer) : Doc, anong gagawin nyo sa akin?
Doc : Che-chemo lola.
Lola : Titi mo rin!!! Bastos ka!! walang modo!!
Doc : Che-chemo lola.
Lola : Titi mo rin!!! Bastos ka!! walang modo!!
Ayaw Masuka
Pedro: Pre, nasusuka ako kaya lang di ako masuka
Juan: Madali lang yan, pre, sundutin mo tonsils mo
(pare 1 sinundot ang tonsils ..)
Pedro: Di pa rin, eh
Juan: Hmmmmm ... sundutin mo pwet mo
(pare 1 sinundot ang pwet ...)
Pedro: Wala pa rin
Juan: Ngayon, tsaka mo uli isundot sa bibig mo ...pag hindi ka pa masuka nyan ewan ko na!!!!!
Juan: Madali lang yan, pre, sundutin mo tonsils mo
(pare 1 sinundot ang tonsils ..)
Pedro: Di pa rin, eh
Juan: Hmmmmm ... sundutin mo pwet mo
(pare 1 sinundot ang pwet ...)
Pedro: Wala pa rin
Juan: Ngayon, tsaka mo uli isundot sa bibig mo ...pag hindi ka pa masuka nyan ewan ko na!!!!!
Usapang Idol
Juan: Pare sinong idol mo?
Pedro: Si Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Juan: Sige nga, spell Schwarzenegger.
Pedro: Hindi, joke lang pare, si Jet Li talaga idol ko.
Pedro: Si Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Juan: Sige nga, spell Schwarzenegger.
Pedro: Hindi, joke lang pare, si Jet Li talaga idol ko.
Ms Universe
Pare 1: Pare parang malalim ang iniisip mo!
Pare 2: Nanaginip ako kagabi kasama ko 50 contestants ng Ms. Universe
Pare 1: Swerte mo! ano problema mo?
Pare 2: Pare ako nanalo!
Pare 2: Nanaginip ako kagabi kasama ko 50 contestants ng Ms. Universe
Pare 1: Swerte mo! ano problema mo?
Pare 2: Pare ako nanalo!
Isang panget na babae, hinoholdap
Isang panget na babae, hinoholdap
Holdaper: Holdap ito! Akin na gamit mo!
Babae (sumigaw): RAPE! RAPE! RAPE!
Holdaper: Anong rape? Holdap nga to eh!
Babae: Nagsa-suggest lang.
Holdaper: Holdap ito! Akin na gamit mo!
Babae (sumigaw): RAPE! RAPE! RAPE!
Holdaper: Anong rape? Holdap nga to eh!
Babae: Nagsa-suggest lang.
Hating-gabi
Hating-gabi, hot si misis. Haplos niya ilong ni mister, kiliti niya sa leeg, saka bulong malambing sa tenga.
Misis: Love, ala na ko panty.
Mister: Huh! Sige, tulog na, bukas ibibili kita.
Misis: Love, ala na ko panty.
Mister: Huh! Sige, tulog na, bukas ibibili kita.
Eraps Translation
Bush visited the Philippines and Erap acted as his translator:
Bush: Lets help one another.
Erap: Tayo'y magtulungan.
Bush: Let's strive together.
Erap: Tayo'y magsikap.
Bush: Because in union there is strength.
Erap: "Dahil sa sibuyas may titigas!"
Bush: Lets help one another.
Erap: Tayo'y magtulungan.
Bush: Let's strive together.
Erap: Tayo'y magsikap.
Bush: Because in union there is strength.
Erap: "Dahil sa sibuyas may titigas!"
Muntik na
Boy: Nay! Muntik na ako maging top one sa klase!
Nanay: Bat mo naman nasabi?
Boy: Ini-announce kasi kanina ung top 1 sa klase. Ang tinuro ni ma'am, yung katabi ko. Muntik na ako.
Nanay: Bat mo naman nasabi?
Boy: Ini-announce kasi kanina ung top 1 sa klase. Ang tinuro ni ma'am, yung katabi ko. Muntik na ako.
Spanish Lesson
Spanish teacher: Class use 'fuera' in a sentence.
Student: Mis maestras son bonitas (my teachers are beautiful).
Teacher: Oh, that's very flattering but where's the "fuera"?
Student: Fuera ka
Student: Mis maestras son bonitas (my teachers are beautiful).
Teacher: Oh, that's very flattering but where's the "fuera"?
Student: Fuera ka
Quiapo Church:
MRS: Lord, bigyan ninyo ako ng P1,000 kasi anak ko na sa hospital.
Narinig ng pulis, naawa, binigyan ng P500.
MRS: Lord, next time huwag padaan sa pulis, nabawasan agad
Narinig ng pulis, naawa, binigyan ng P500.
MRS: Lord, next time huwag padaan sa pulis, nabawasan agad
Ayaw ng pamilya
BETH: halata na ang tiyan mo. Bakit hindi pa kayo papakasal ng BF mo?
MARIA: ayaw ng pamilya niya eh.
BETH: sino may ayaw, tatay o Nanay?
MARIA: yung misis niya.
MARIA: ayaw ng pamilya niya eh.
BETH: sino may ayaw, tatay o Nanay?
MARIA: yung misis niya.
Sa Korte
JUDGE: isa ka palang pusher, kidnapper, gun for hire, gambling lord, swindler at bugaw!
Wala ka bang matinong hanapbuhay?
ACCUSED: meron po. Pulis po ako.
Wala ka bang matinong hanapbuhay?
ACCUSED: meron po. Pulis po ako.
Pangalan
TEACHER: panget ng name mo, Conrado Domingo! In short, CONDOM!
PUPIL: ok lang po ma'am! Pero mas pangit sa husband ninyo.
Supronio Potenciano! In short, SUPOT!
PUPIL: ok lang po ma'am! Pero mas pangit sa husband ninyo.
Supronio Potenciano! In short, SUPOT!
NBI Clearance
NBI Clearance Applicant: Sir available na ba clearance ko??
NBI: Followup mo na lang after 5 days may kapangalan ka kasi eh
Applicant: Huh?? sino?? ano pangalan???
NBI: Followup mo na lang after 5 days may kapangalan ka kasi eh
Applicant: Huh?? sino?? ano pangalan???
Alimango
Mister: adik talaga ako dito sa alimango
Misis: naku ingat ka sa cholesterol niyan!!! may kilala ako sa tondo na kumain ng tatlong matatabang alimango na puro aligue habang nakikipaginuman
Mister: talaga!!! tapos ano nangyari??
Misis: lumabas lang siya sandali para jumingle ayun bigla na lang bumulagta patay na!!!
Mister: inatake sa puso??
Misis: hindi, sinaksak ng adik!!! marami talagang loko dyan sa Tondo!!!
Misis: naku ingat ka sa cholesterol niyan!!! may kilala ako sa tondo na kumain ng tatlong matatabang alimango na puro aligue habang nakikipaginuman
Mister: talaga!!! tapos ano nangyari??
Misis: lumabas lang siya sandali para jumingle ayun bigla na lang bumulagta patay na!!!
Mister: inatake sa puso??
Misis: hindi, sinaksak ng adik!!! marami talagang loko dyan sa Tondo!!!
Ligaw
Binata: ale, liligawan ko po ang anak nyo
Ale: wag muna, nag-aaral pa siya
Binata: Sige po kapag uwian na lang nila!!!
Ale: wag muna, nag-aaral pa siya
Binata: Sige po kapag uwian na lang nila!!!
Girl language
if i dont call you (its because im waiting for you to call me)
when i walk away from you mad ( follow me)
when i stare at your mouth(kiss me)
when i push or hit you(grab me and dont let go)
when im quiet(ask me whats wrong!!)
when i ignore you(give me your attention)
when i pull away(pull me back)
when you see me at my worst(tell me im beautiful)
when you see me start crying(hold me and tell me everything will be alright)
in short:
(kung walang babae.. walang maarte)...
hahahaha
when i walk away from you mad ( follow me)
when i stare at your mouth(kiss me)
when i push or hit you(grab me and dont let go)
when im quiet(ask me whats wrong!!)
when i ignore you(give me your attention)
when i pull away(pull me back)
when you see me at my worst(tell me im beautiful)
when you see me start crying(hold me and tell me everything will be alright)
in short:
(kung walang babae.. walang maarte)...
hahahaha
Pacman
@ a bar...
Girl: whoever can use the words LIVER and CHEESE with style will be my date tonight..
Piolo: steak that liver and melt that cheese on me...
Sam: i hate liver but i love cheese as i love u...
Pacman: Hey!!!! you two!! liver alone!! cheese mine!!!
dale ni pacman!!!
Girl: whoever can use the words LIVER and CHEESE with style will be my date tonight..
Piolo: steak that liver and melt that cheese on me...
Sam: i hate liver but i love cheese as i love u...
Pacman: Hey!!!! you two!! liver alone!! cheese mine!!!
dale ni pacman!!!
300
Pare 1: noong buntis ang misis ko.. paborito nya ang Lord of the Rings 2 Towers.. ayun.. kambal anak namin...
Pare 2: ang misis ko.. paborito nya yung The 3 Musketeers.. ayun.. triplets anak namin..
Biglang nanghina yung isang kumpare nila...
Pare 1 at 2: Bakit?? ano bang paborito ng misis mo??
Pare 3: 300!!!
Pare 2: ang misis ko.. paborito nya yung The 3 Musketeers.. ayun.. triplets anak namin..
Biglang nanghina yung isang kumpare nila...
Pare 1 at 2: Bakit?? ano bang paborito ng misis mo??
Pare 3: 300!!!
DEMONYO
a man killed a DEER. Cooked it but didnt tell his kids what it was.. He gave a clue "ganyan ang twag sa kin ng mama nyo"
the girl cries out "wag nyo kainin!! DEMONYO yan!!!"
the girl cries out "wag nyo kainin!! DEMONYO yan!!!"
Luv U!!!
pag mahal mo siya.. sabihan mo kahit alam mong walang kapalit yun.
Ang mahalaga nalaman niya...
at kung magalit siya.. sabihin mo:
NAGKAMALI LANG NG SEND.. PAKYU!!!!
Taenang ito!!! yabang!!!!
Ang mahalaga nalaman niya...
at kung magalit siya.. sabihin mo:
NAGKAMALI LANG NG SEND.. PAKYU!!!!
Taenang ito!!! yabang!!!!
Pick Up lines
Bagay sa yo maging Amo ….. Inalila mo kasi ang puso ko…
Sana posporo ka… at posporo din ako…. Para match tayo!!!
Ang buhay ko parang nakasakay sa seesaw… Kasi pag wala ka, Down ako! ..
Kung bola ka, at ako ang player.. Maso-shoot ba kita? … Hindi. Kasi lagi kitang ma-mi-miss! …
Race track ka ba? … Ang ganda ng curves mo!
Excuse me… Surgeon ka ba? … Ikaw lang kasi nakapagpa-bukas ng puso ko eh…
May eraser ka ba? … Di ka kasi mabura sa isip ko…
Look, there’s something wrong with my cellphone… It doesn’t have your number in it…
If i could rearrange the alphabet… I’d put U and I together…
Para kang ihi…. Hindi kita matiis!
Alarm clock ka ba? ginising mo kasi ang natutulog kong puso.
Aanhin pa ang gravity? kung lagi akong nahuhulog sa’yo.
kung gagawa ako ng alak pangalan mo ang gagamitin ko. kasi ang lakas mo
sumipa kaso sa puso ang tama.
tok! tok! tok! Pwede ba akong pumasok sa buhay mo?
Miss! langit na ba to? para ka kasing anghel.
Redhorse ka ba? ang lakas kasi ng tama ko sayo eh
Pinaglihi ka ba sa keyboard? type kasi kita eh
alam mo bang exam ako? kaya sagutin mo na ko
Uy! papicture naman tayo oh? para madevelop tayo sa isa’t isa.
Surgeon ka ba? kasi ikaw lang ang nakapagbukas ng puso ko.
Marimar, kaw ba yan? pwede ba akong maging sergio ng buhay mo?
Miss may-ari ba ng Chocnut factory ang tatay mo? ang tamis kasi ng mga ngiti mo.
Para kang yosi, ang hirap mo alisin sa buhay ko.
may lason bang mga mata mo? nakakamatay kasi ang titig mo.
kailangan mo ba ng tutor? tuturuan kitang mahalin ako.
Aanhin pa ang damo kung sayo pa lang may tama na ako
magaling ka ba sa math? ikaw kasi ang sagot sa mga equation ng buhay ko.
Hindi tayo tao. bagay tayo! bagay!
Para kang Centrum. you make my life complete
Doktor ka ba? kasi kaw lang ang makakagamot ng sugat sa puso ko.
Pulis ba tatay mo? kasi nahuli mo ang puso ko.
Electric Fan ka ba? kasi lagi umiikot ka sa isip ko.
hanggang ngayon ba hinihintay mo parin yung taong magmamahal sayo?? wag kang mag alala, ON THE WAY na ako..
di ko na kailangang ng mapa.. kasi ng makilala kita nagkaroon na ng direksyon ang buhay ko.. sigurado na akong di ako maliligaw.. haha..
wag mong ikalungkot kung di ka para sa knya baka naman para sakin ka
B: di ko alam kung gusto akong maging masaya ng Diyos o kukunin na nya ako?
G: bakit mo naman nasabi yan
B: kasi nandito ang isa sa mga anghel niya sa harap ko
kukunin mo na ba ako o ikaw ang regalo ng Diyos na magpapasaya sakin
boy: teacher ka ba?
girl: hindi ah!
boy: kasi tinuruan mo ang puso kong magmahal.
Boy: Im invisible!
Girl: Ows?
Boy: Bakit? Can you see me?
Girl: Oo naman!
Boy: How bout 2morow night?
Sana posporo ka… at posporo din ako…. Para match tayo!!!
Ang buhay ko parang nakasakay sa seesaw… Kasi pag wala ka, Down ako! ..
Kung bola ka, at ako ang player.. Maso-shoot ba kita? … Hindi. Kasi lagi kitang ma-mi-miss! …
Race track ka ba? … Ang ganda ng curves mo!
Excuse me… Surgeon ka ba? … Ikaw lang kasi nakapagpa-bukas ng puso ko eh…
May eraser ka ba? … Di ka kasi mabura sa isip ko…
Look, there’s something wrong with my cellphone… It doesn’t have your number in it…
If i could rearrange the alphabet… I’d put U and I together…
Para kang ihi…. Hindi kita matiis!
Alarm clock ka ba? ginising mo kasi ang natutulog kong puso.
Aanhin pa ang gravity? kung lagi akong nahuhulog sa’yo.
kung gagawa ako ng alak pangalan mo ang gagamitin ko. kasi ang lakas mo
sumipa kaso sa puso ang tama.
tok! tok! tok! Pwede ba akong pumasok sa buhay mo?
Miss! langit na ba to? para ka kasing anghel.
Redhorse ka ba? ang lakas kasi ng tama ko sayo eh
Pinaglihi ka ba sa keyboard? type kasi kita eh
alam mo bang exam ako? kaya sagutin mo na ko
Uy! papicture naman tayo oh? para madevelop tayo sa isa’t isa.
Surgeon ka ba? kasi ikaw lang ang nakapagbukas ng puso ko.
Marimar, kaw ba yan? pwede ba akong maging sergio ng buhay mo?
Miss may-ari ba ng Chocnut factory ang tatay mo? ang tamis kasi ng mga ngiti mo.
Para kang yosi, ang hirap mo alisin sa buhay ko.
may lason bang mga mata mo? nakakamatay kasi ang titig mo.
kailangan mo ba ng tutor? tuturuan kitang mahalin ako.
Aanhin pa ang damo kung sayo pa lang may tama na ako
magaling ka ba sa math? ikaw kasi ang sagot sa mga equation ng buhay ko.
Hindi tayo tao. bagay tayo! bagay!
Para kang Centrum. you make my life complete
Doktor ka ba? kasi kaw lang ang makakagamot ng sugat sa puso ko.
Pulis ba tatay mo? kasi nahuli mo ang puso ko.
Electric Fan ka ba? kasi lagi umiikot ka sa isip ko.
hanggang ngayon ba hinihintay mo parin yung taong magmamahal sayo?? wag kang mag alala, ON THE WAY na ako..
di ko na kailangang ng mapa.. kasi ng makilala kita nagkaroon na ng direksyon ang buhay ko.. sigurado na akong di ako maliligaw.. haha..
wag mong ikalungkot kung di ka para sa knya baka naman para sakin ka
B: di ko alam kung gusto akong maging masaya ng Diyos o kukunin na nya ako?
G: bakit mo naman nasabi yan
B: kasi nandito ang isa sa mga anghel niya sa harap ko
kukunin mo na ba ako o ikaw ang regalo ng Diyos na magpapasaya sakin
boy: teacher ka ba?
girl: hindi ah!
boy: kasi tinuruan mo ang puso kong magmahal.
Boy: Im invisible!
Girl: Ows?
Boy: Bakit? Can you see me?
Girl: Oo naman!
Boy: How bout 2morow night?
More PickUp Lines
“Miss, Google ka ba? Kasi, nasa iyo ang lahat ng hinahanap ko.”
“Miss, album ka ba? Kasi, single ako, eh.”
“Apoy ka ba? Kasi ‘alab’ you.”
“Para kang traffic sa EDSA! ‘Coz I just can’t move on!”
“Tatakbo ka ba sa eleksyon? Kasi, botong-boto sa yo ang parents ko.”
“Ice ka ba? Crush kita eh.”
“Para kang tindera ng sigarilyo. You give me ‘hope’ and ‘more’…”
“Calculator ka ba? Kasi, sa ‘yo pa lang, solved na ko.”
“Keyboard ka ba? Kasi type kita.”
“Pustiso ka ba? ‘Coz I can’t smile without you.”
“Kung posporo ka at posporo ako, eh di, match tayo!”
“Di mo pa nga ako binabato, tinatamaan na ‘ko sa yo.”
“Pulis ba tatay mo? Kasi, nahuli mo ang puso ko.”
“Matalino ka ba talaga? Sige nga, sagutin mo ‘ko!”
“Buti pa ang email, may attachment.”
“Di ka naman camera, pero tuwing nakikita kita, napapangiti ako.”
“Dalawang beses lang naman kita gusto makasama… ‘now’ and ‘forever.’”
“Inii-SMALL ka ba nila? Di bale, inii-BIG naman kita!”
“Hindi lahat ng buhay ay buhay. Tingnan mo ‘ko – buhay nga pero patay na patay naman sa ‘yo!”
“Kodigo ka ba? Kasi, ikaw ang sagot sa lahat ng tanong ko, eh.”
“Kakapagod kasing umupo, eh. Pwede bang tayo na lang?”
“Hindi ka ba nalulungkot, babe? Nag-iisa ka lang kase sa puso ko eh.”
“Top view, side view, bottom view, kahit anong view, I love view.”
“Tulisan ba tatay mo? Kasi nabihag mo puso ko.”
“Magaling ka ba sa algebra? Can you substitute my ‘x’?”
“Masasabi mo bang bobo ako, kung ikaw lamang ang laman ng utak ko?”
“Amo ba kita? Bakit inaalila mo ang puso ko?”
“Centrum ka ba? Kasi, you make my life complete!”
“Alam mo ba ang pinakamasarap na feeling sa buong mundo? Ang maka-feeling ka!”
“Miss, mekaniko ka ba? Kasi, ikaw na ang nagpapatakbo ng buhay ko.”
“Miss, pwede ka bang maging side-car? Single kasi ako.”
“Miss, album ka ba? Kasi, single ako, eh.”
“Apoy ka ba? Kasi ‘alab’ you.”
“Para kang traffic sa EDSA! ‘Coz I just can’t move on!”
“Tatakbo ka ba sa eleksyon? Kasi, botong-boto sa yo ang parents ko.”
“Ice ka ba? Crush kita eh.”
“Para kang tindera ng sigarilyo. You give me ‘hope’ and ‘more’…”
“Calculator ka ba? Kasi, sa ‘yo pa lang, solved na ko.”
“Keyboard ka ba? Kasi type kita.”
“Pustiso ka ba? ‘Coz I can’t smile without you.”
“Kung posporo ka at posporo ako, eh di, match tayo!”
“Di mo pa nga ako binabato, tinatamaan na ‘ko sa yo.”
“Pulis ba tatay mo? Kasi, nahuli mo ang puso ko.”
“Matalino ka ba talaga? Sige nga, sagutin mo ‘ko!”
“Buti pa ang email, may attachment.”
“Di ka naman camera, pero tuwing nakikita kita, napapangiti ako.”
“Dalawang beses lang naman kita gusto makasama… ‘now’ and ‘forever.’”
“Inii-SMALL ka ba nila? Di bale, inii-BIG naman kita!”
“Hindi lahat ng buhay ay buhay. Tingnan mo ‘ko – buhay nga pero patay na patay naman sa ‘yo!”
“Kodigo ka ba? Kasi, ikaw ang sagot sa lahat ng tanong ko, eh.”
“Kakapagod kasing umupo, eh. Pwede bang tayo na lang?”
“Hindi ka ba nalulungkot, babe? Nag-iisa ka lang kase sa puso ko eh.”
“Top view, side view, bottom view, kahit anong view, I love view.”
“Tulisan ba tatay mo? Kasi nabihag mo puso ko.”
“Magaling ka ba sa algebra? Can you substitute my ‘x’?”
“Masasabi mo bang bobo ako, kung ikaw lamang ang laman ng utak ko?”
“Amo ba kita? Bakit inaalila mo ang puso ko?”
“Centrum ka ba? Kasi, you make my life complete!”
“Alam mo ba ang pinakamasarap na feeling sa buong mundo? Ang maka-feeling ka!”
“Miss, mekaniko ka ba? Kasi, ikaw na ang nagpapatakbo ng buhay ko.”
“Miss, pwede ka bang maging side-car? Single kasi ako.”
Sino gusto pumunta sa langit
GURO: Sino gusto pumunta sa langit?
...di nagtaas ng kamay si Juan
GURO: Bakit? Ayaw mo ba pumuntang langit?
JUAN: Sabi po kasi ni inay uwi ako maaga! Baka gabihin tayo!
...di nagtaas ng kamay si Juan
GURO: Bakit? Ayaw mo ba pumuntang langit?
JUAN: Sabi po kasi ni inay uwi ako maaga! Baka gabihin tayo!
Teacher at Juan
TEACHER: May 5 ibon, binaril ko ang isa. Ilan ang natira?
JUAN: Wala po ma’am.
TEACHER: Tanga ka ba? Binaril ko nga iyung isa eh. Marunong ka ba magbilang?
JUAN: BOBO ka ba ma’am? Edi syempre umalis iyung iba. Pag ikaw ba binaril katabi mo steady ka lang dun? Umupo ka nga rito. Ako magtuturo.
JUAN: Wala po ma’am.
TEACHER: Tanga ka ba? Binaril ko nga iyung isa eh. Marunong ka ba magbilang?
JUAN: BOBO ka ba ma’am? Edi syempre umalis iyung iba. Pag ikaw ba binaril katabi mo steady ka lang dun? Umupo ka nga rito. Ako magtuturo.
Anak umuwi ng bahay
Anak umuwi ng bahay.(gaLit) anak: nay, pinapatawag kayu sa school!
nay: bakit? may ginawa kana namang katarantaduhan?
anak: ako ba? baka ikaw, ikaw nga pinapatawag diba?
nay: bakit? may ginawa kana namang katarantaduhan?
anak: ako ba? baka ikaw, ikaw nga pinapatawag diba?
ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
KONSEHAL: Paki acknowledge si Mayor. Late dumating, hayun kararaan lang!
PEDRO (Emcee): I WOULD LIKE TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE LATE MAYOR WHO JUST PASSED AWAY.
Haha. Ayos na MC.
PEDRO (Emcee): I WOULD LIKE TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE LATE MAYOR WHO JUST PASSED AWAY.
Haha. Ayos na MC.
PEDRO AT JUAN
Pedro: pre kelan birthday mo ??!
Juan: august 30 pre ..
Pedro: anung taon ?
Juan: syempre taon taon. !!! Alangan namang sometimes diba ?! Wag ka ngang tanga !
Juan: august 30 pre ..
Pedro: anung taon ?
Juan: syempre taon taon. !!! Alangan namang sometimes diba ?! Wag ka ngang tanga !
Like father like son
Sa school ..
Teacher: juan sino pumatay kay jose rizal . ?!
Juan: aba !? Hind ako ma'am ..
Teacher: gago ka talaga . ! Niloloko mo ba ko ?!
Juan: aba ma'am hindi nga po ako .
Teacher: tarantado ka talaga . !!! Sige umuwi ka ngayon din at papuntahin mo ang tatay mo dito .
(Umuwi sa bahay si juan at nakita ang tatay)
Juan: tay , pinapapunta kayo sa scchool ng teacher ko .
Tatay: aba . ! Bakit daw ??
Juan: ewan ko ho .. tinatanong po kasi sakin kung sino daw pumatay kay jose rizal . !
Tatay: eh teka . Hindi ako noh .. !
Juan: eh pinapapunta kayo eeh .
Tatay: eh hindi nga ako pumatay eh !
(Dumating ang lolo at nagsalita)
Lolo: bakit kasi hindi umamin ang isa sa inyo kung sino talaga ang pumatay !!!
Wahaha mga hunghang !
Teacher: juan sino pumatay kay jose rizal . ?!
Juan: aba !? Hind ako ma'am ..
Teacher: gago ka talaga . ! Niloloko mo ba ko ?!
Juan: aba ma'am hindi nga po ako .
Teacher: tarantado ka talaga . !!! Sige umuwi ka ngayon din at papuntahin mo ang tatay mo dito .
(Umuwi sa bahay si juan at nakita ang tatay)
Juan: tay , pinapapunta kayo sa scchool ng teacher ko .
Tatay: aba . ! Bakit daw ??
Juan: ewan ko ho .. tinatanong po kasi sakin kung sino daw pumatay kay jose rizal . !
Tatay: eh teka . Hindi ako noh .. !
Juan: eh pinapapunta kayo eeh .
Tatay: eh hindi nga ako pumatay eh !
(Dumating ang lolo at nagsalita)
Lolo: bakit kasi hindi umamin ang isa sa inyo kung sino talaga ang pumatay !!!
Wahaha mga hunghang !
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
ballpen
Boy:Miss pahrm nman ng pen mo saglit
lng please?
Girl:Ok
Boy:nyay ayaw nman sumulat
miss o?
Girl:pwde yan, kkgamit ko lng nyan
kanina e..
Boy:weh! cge nga sulat mo nga number
mo?
MAGICIAN
boyet: isa akong MAGICIAN..
girly: talaga? sample nga dyan?
boyet: di nga lang nagwowork ang magic ko hanggat di mo sinasabi yung magic word..
girly: eh ano ba yung magic word?
boyet: I LOVE YOU!!
girly: talaga? sample nga dyan?
boyet: di nga lang nagwowork ang magic ko hanggat di mo sinasabi yung magic word..
girly: eh ano ba yung magic word?
boyet: I LOVE YOU!!
What you see is what you get
sabi nila "what you see is what you get"
eh pano ba yan? nakikita kita..
ibig bang sabihin nyan, AKIN KA NA?
eh pano ba yan? nakikita kita..
ibig bang sabihin nyan, AKIN KA NA?
Pangarap o ikaw
pinapili ako ng kaibigan ko kung ikaw ba o ang pangarap ko..
sinagot ikaw..
alam mo kung bakit??
kasi ikaw lang naman ang nag-iisang pangarap ko eh..
sinagot ikaw..
alam mo kung bakit??
kasi ikaw lang naman ang nag-iisang pangarap ko eh..
Learning French
City - ce vou
Drug - sha vou
Good bye - va vou
Bald - cal vou
Caught in the act - navo cou
Feathers - valahi vou
Not clear - mala vou
Cute - a cou
Drug - sha vou
Good bye - va vou
Bald - cal vou
Caught in the act - navo cou
Feathers - valahi vou
Not clear - mala vou
Cute - a cou
10 CRAZIEST THINGS na gnagawa pg NALALASING:
10 CRAZIEST THINGS na gnagawa pg NALALASING:
1. Umiiyak kahit walang dahilan.
2. Nagbibigay ng advice sa kapwa lasing.
3. Kumakanta ng pasintunado.
4. Tinatawagan o tinetext ang EX para makipagusap ng walang sense.
5. Naiinlove nalng bigla.
6. Ginagawang unan ang idoro.
7. Nagiging galante.
8. Kinukwento ang buhay ng buong angkan.
9 .Nag eenglish speaking kahit wrong grammar.
10. Panay sabi ng ” HINDI NA KO MAG IINOM” habang sumusuka.
1. Umiiyak kahit walang dahilan.
2. Nagbibigay ng advice sa kapwa lasing.
3. Kumakanta ng pasintunado.
4. Tinatawagan o tinetext ang EX para makipagusap ng walang sense.
5. Naiinlove nalng bigla.
6. Ginagawang unan ang idoro.
7. Nagiging galante.
8. Kinukwento ang buhay ng buong angkan.
9 .Nag eenglish speaking kahit wrong grammar.
10. Panay sabi ng ” HINDI NA KO MAG IINOM” habang sumusuka.
Sardinas
Nanay: nak, lutuin mo nga yung sardinas..
Pedro: nay, kakaliskisan ko na po ba?
Nanay: TANGGALAN MO NA DIN NG HASANG NG MASULIT MO ANG KATANGAHAN MONG HAYOP KA!
Pedro: nay, kakaliskisan ko na po ba?
Nanay: TANGGALAN MO NA DIN NG HASANG NG MASULIT MO ANG KATANGAHAN MONG HAYOP KA!
2 misis naguusap
Misis 1: Ayoko na sa mister ko, lagi na lang ako binubugbog bago ako niroromansa...
Misis 2: Mas grabe yung mister ko. Binubugbog ako tapos si Inday ang niroromansa.
Misis 2: Mas grabe yung mister ko. Binubugbog ako tapos si Inday ang niroromansa.
tanga lang
anak: Nay, pina tumbling ako kanina sa school sa laro namin sa chinese garter!
Nanay: Gaga! gusto lang nila makita panty mo!
Anak: alam ko po! kaya nga tinago ko sa bag! asa naman sila no??
sobrang religious
Dad : “Hija, sa amin lang ng mom mo, kelangan religious boyfriend mo…”
Girl: “Naku dad! sobrang religious yun!”
Dad: “E nasan sya? Pakilala mo na sa amin”
Girl: “Mamaya na dad. Nagmimisa pa…”
Girl: “Naku dad! sobrang religious yun!”
Dad: “E nasan sya? Pakilala mo na sa amin”
Girl: “Mamaya na dad. Nagmimisa pa…”
Girl sa presinto
Girl: Mamang pulis, may nanghalik sa akin sa park...
Police : Description nung nanghalik?
Girl: Sorry po, di ko namukhaan...
Police : Ha? why?
Girl: Sorry sir, I usually close my eyes when being kissed...
Police : Description nung nanghalik?
Girl: Sorry po, di ko namukhaan...
Police : Ha? why?
Girl: Sorry sir, I usually close my eyes when being kissed...
Similarity ng mga bayani
TEACHER: Anong similarity nina Jose Rizal, Andres Bonifacio, Ninoy Aquino and Apolinario Mabini?
PEDRO: Ma'am, pagkaka-alam ko po, silang lahat, pinanganak ng holiday?
PEDRO: Ma'am, pagkaka-alam ko po, silang lahat, pinanganak ng holiday?
Mister, umuwi ng maaga
MISIS: Himala! Ang aga mong umuwi ngayon?!
MISTER: Sinunod ko lang ang utos ng boss ko. Sabi kasi niya sa akin, ‘Go to hell!’ Kaya umuwi agad ako.
MISTER: Sinunod ko lang ang utos ng boss ko. Sabi kasi niya sa akin, ‘Go to hell!’ Kaya umuwi agad ako.
Nagkita sa restaurant ang dating magsyota…
Nagkita sa restaurant ang dating magsyota…
GIRL: O, anong lasa ng kinakain mo?
BOY: Eto, parang ‘yang ka-date mo…... nakakasuka!
GIRL: O, anong lasa ng kinakain mo?
BOY: Eto, parang ‘yang ka-date mo…... nakakasuka!
boy at girl na naman
BOY: Miss, hulaan kita gusto mo?
GIRL: Oo ba ...
BOY: Single ka noh?
GIRL: Ang galing mo ha! pano mo nalaman?
BOY: Ang pangit mo kaya! Duh
GIRL: Oo ba ...
BOY: Single ka noh?
GIRL: Ang galing mo ha! pano mo nalaman?
BOY: Ang pangit mo kaya! Duh
Bulag at duling magsusuntukan!!
Bulag at duling magsusuntukan!!
Bulag: hayop ka duling!! lumabas ka dyan.. wag kang
magtago sa dilim!!
Duling: in your dreams!!! bakit ako lalabas eh
dalawa kayo!!!
Bulag: hayop ka duling!! lumabas ka dyan.. wag kang
magtago sa dilim!!
Duling: in your dreams!!! bakit ako lalabas eh
dalawa kayo!!!
Teacher ulit sa classroom
TEACHER: Lahat tayo nagmula kay Adan at Eva
STUDENT: Mam, hindi po totoo yan. Sabi ng tatay ko, nagmula daw tayo sa unggoy!
TEACHER: iho, hindi natin pinag-uusapan dito pamilya mo!
STUDENT: Mam, hindi po totoo yan. Sabi ng tatay ko, nagmula daw tayo sa unggoy!
TEACHER: iho, hindi natin pinag-uusapan dito pamilya mo!
si Mam at si inday ulit
Mam: alam mo inday, yang sir mo ang daming babae!
Inday: hay nako, si ma'm naman. pinagseselos pa ako!
Inday: hay nako, si ma'm naman. pinagseselos pa ako!
Taxi driver
taxi driver: sister, i've always fantasized kissing a nun
nun: ok lang. but 1st you have to be a Catholic and 2nd you have to be single!
taxi driver: I am both catholic and single
so the nun fulfills the drivers fantasy and kisses him...
taxi driver: thank you sister. but i have to confess I lied. I am married and a Muslim..
nun: thats okay. Im on my way to a costume party and my real name is Brando!!!
nun: ok lang. but 1st you have to be a Catholic and 2nd you have to be single!
taxi driver: I am both catholic and single
so the nun fulfills the drivers fantasy and kisses him...
taxi driver: thank you sister. but i have to confess I lied. I am married and a Muslim..
nun: thats okay. Im on my way to a costume party and my real name is Brando!!!
7 TIPS PARA MAIBA ARAW MO:
1. Ibenta ang CP at bilhin ulit.
2. Ibigay ang wallet sa katabi sabay sigaw ng "Holdap!"
3. Maglaro ng taguan tapos umuwi sa bahay
4. Paghiwahiwalayin ang sangkap ng 3in1
5. Uminom ng 5 basong kape at matulog
6. Kurutin ang kapatid at unahang umiyak
7. Makipagkak-en-poy sa salamin hanggan sa manalo.
2. Ibigay ang wallet sa katabi sabay sigaw ng "Holdap!"
3. Maglaro ng taguan tapos umuwi sa bahay
4. Paghiwahiwalayin ang sangkap ng 3in1
5. Uminom ng 5 basong kape at matulog
6. Kurutin ang kapatid at unahang umiyak
7. Makipagkak-en-poy sa salamin hanggan sa manalo.
Si misis kay inday
Misis: "Inday, napansin mo ba ang barong ni sir mo? Lagi na lang may lipstick!"
Inday: "Opo nga ma'am! Mukang niloloko na tayo ni sir ah!!!"
Inday: "Opo nga ma'am! Mukang niloloko na tayo ni sir ah!!!"
Panawagan ulit
Tanda: Pwede ho bang manawagan?
Host: Ilang taon na po kayo?
Tanda: 98 na po ako.
Host: Wow! Ang tanda nyo na pala! O sige po, manawagan na kayo.
Tanda: Dad, umuwi na kayo! Hindi na nagagalit si Lolo sa inyo!
Host: Ilang taon na po kayo?
Tanda: 98 na po ako.
Host: Wow! Ang tanda nyo na pala! O sige po, manawagan na kayo.
Tanda: Dad, umuwi na kayo! Hindi na nagagalit si Lolo sa inyo!
Panawagan
Misis: "Mananawagan po sana ako sa mister ko. Dinala niya po kasi ang limang anak namin."
Host: " Sige po, go ahead!"
Misis: " Honey, ibalik mo na ang mga bata. Isa lang naman ang sa iyo diyan e!"
Host: " Sige po, go ahead!"
Misis: " Honey, ibalik mo na ang mga bata. Isa lang naman ang sa iyo diyan e!"
Teacher sa classroom
Teacher: Class, gayahin niyo ang mga langgam. Lagi nagsusumikap at hindi naglalakwatsa.
Juan: Mam! kalokahan yan! Nandun kami kanina sa Luneta, nandun din sila!
STAGES OF PRAYERS OF SINGLE WOMEN:
STAGES OF PRAYERS OF SINGLE WOMEN:
At 15: Lord give me superMAN
At 18: Lord give me a cute MAN
At 20: Lord give me the best MAN
At 30: Lord give me a good MAN
At 40: Lord give me a MAN
At 50: Lord give me sino MAN
At 60: Lord maawa ka naMAN
At 70: Lord kaya ko pa naMAN
At 80: Lord kahit mahipo MAN lang
At 15: Lord give me superMAN
At 18: Lord give me a cute MAN
At 20: Lord give me the best MAN
At 30: Lord give me a good MAN
At 40: Lord give me a MAN
At 50: Lord give me sino MAN
At 60: Lord maawa ka naMAN
At 70: Lord kaya ko pa naMAN
At 80: Lord kahit mahipo MAN lang
si boy at girl
GIRL: Hubarin mo na bra ko...
BOY: O, ayan...
GIRL: Hubarin mo na panty ko...
BOY: O, ayan, hinubad na...
GIRL: Sige, next time, 'wag mo na isusuot mga gamit ko ha!
BOY: O, ayan...
GIRL: Hubarin mo na panty ko...
BOY: O, ayan, hinubad na...
GIRL: Sige, next time, 'wag mo na isusuot mga gamit ko ha!
Lumubog ang barko...
Lumubog ang barko...
Pari: San Pedro! San Jose! San Juan!
Madre: Sta Maria! Sta Clara! Sta. Lucia!…
Chinese: Anu ba yan! Lubok na nga barko tawak tawak pa kayo ng pasahero!!
Pari: San Pedro! San Jose! San Juan!
Madre: Sta Maria! Sta Clara! Sta. Lucia!…
Chinese: Anu ba yan! Lubok na nga barko tawak tawak pa kayo ng pasahero!!
si father
Sexy: Father, pag nakakarinig po ako ng lalaking nagmumura, I get turned on!
Pari: 'Tang 'na! Di nga?
Pari: 'Tang 'na! Di nga?
A fat lady asked her bf what she looked like..
A fat lady asked her bf what she looked like..
the boy replied:
"you look like a GOD."
the fat lady smiled..
Giggled and blushed then asked"
Sinung GOD? Aphrodite? Venus? who?
The boy looked deeply in her eyes..
touched her belly and said..
"Buddha".
the boy replied:
"you look like a GOD."
the fat lady smiled..
Giggled and blushed then asked"
Sinung GOD? Aphrodite? Venus? who?
The boy looked deeply in her eyes..
touched her belly and said..
"Buddha".
baba ng grades
teacher: juan, ano sinabi ng mga magulang mo nang makita ang grades mo?
juan: lahat po ba o tatanggalin ko yung mga bad words?
teacher: tanggalin mo yung bad words.
juan: wala naman po.
juan: lahat po ba o tatanggalin ko yung mga bad words?
teacher: tanggalin mo yung bad words.
juan: wala naman po.
Umuwi ng bahay si Pedrito
Umuwi ng bahay si Pedrito…
PEDRITO: Nanay! Pinapatawag ka sa Principal’s Office!
NANAY: Bakit?! May ginawa ka na namang katarantaduhan?!
PEDRITO: Ako ba?! Baka ikaw?! Ikaw ang ipinapatawag, di ba?! isip isip naman dyan.gee!
PEDRITO: Nanay! Pinapatawag ka sa Principal’s Office!
NANAY: Bakit?! May ginawa ka na namang katarantaduhan?!
PEDRITO: Ako ba?! Baka ikaw?! Ikaw ang ipinapatawag, di ba?! isip isip naman dyan.gee!
Panawagan
Tanda: Pwede ho bang manawagan?
Host: Ilang taon na po kayo?
Tanda: 98 na po ako.
Host: Wow! Ang tanda nyo na pala! O sige po, manawagan na kayo.
Tanda: Dad, umuwi na kayo! Hindi na nagagalit si Lolo sa inyo!
Host: Ilang taon na po kayo?
Tanda: 98 na po ako.
Host: Wow! Ang tanda nyo na pala! O sige po, manawagan na kayo.
Tanda: Dad, umuwi na kayo! Hindi na nagagalit si Lolo sa inyo!
1+1=?
Juan: Pedro.....1+1=?
Pedro: Niloloko mo b ako? Eh di 5!
Juan: Hahahahahahahahahah!!
Pedro: Bakit ka tumatawa, mali ba?
Juan: Kala ko di mo alam eh......
Pedro: Niloloko mo b ako? Eh di 5!
Juan: Hahahahahahahahahah!!
Pedro: Bakit ka tumatawa, mali ba?
Juan: Kala ko di mo alam eh......
Hearing Aird
Pedro: Nakabili na ko ng hearing aid. Grabe! ang linaw na ng pandinig ko!
Juan: Talaga?! Magkano bili mo?
Pedro: Kahapon lang
Juan: Talaga?! Magkano bili mo?
Pedro: Kahapon lang
Worst
What's worse than finding a cockroach in your pandesal while eating?
......
Pag nakita mo na KALAHATI na lang ang cockroach!!
Inday uuwi sa probinsiya
Inday: Maam, magpapaalam na po ako. Uuwi na po ako sa probinsya.
Maam: Nagpaalam ka na ba sa sir mo?
Inday: Nauna na po siya. Doon na raw po kami magkikita!
Maam: Nagpaalam ka na ba sa sir mo?
Inday: Nauna na po siya. Doon na raw po kami magkikita!
"First love never dies"?
Anak: Inay, totoo ba na "First love never dies"?
Nanay: Aba, oo. Tignan mo yang tatay mo, hangga ngayon, buhay pa ang animal!
Nanay: Aba, oo. Tignan mo yang tatay mo, hangga ngayon, buhay pa ang animal!
Fish Jokes
Q: Ano ang sabi ng isda nang hiwain siya sa gitna?
A: I'm tuna (two na).
Q: Ano ang sabi ng bangus nang mamamatay na siya?
A: I'm daing! (Dying)
Q: Anong isda ang di nababasa?
A: Tuyo!!
Q: Anong isda ang pinaka matanda?
A: Century Tuna!!
Q: San nagtatrabaho ang mga isda?!!
A: ofFISH!! (office)
A: I'm tuna (two na).
Q: Ano ang sabi ng bangus nang mamamatay na siya?
A: I'm daing! (Dying)
Q: Anong isda ang di nababasa?
A: Tuyo!!
Q: Anong isda ang pinaka matanda?
A: Century Tuna!!
Q: San nagtatrabaho ang mga isda?!!
A: ofFISH!! (office)
Small Jokes
Q: Ano ang tawag sa maliit na tsunami?
A: eh di tsuNANO (unano)
Q: Ano ang tawag sa maliit na aso?
A: KapirASO
Q: Ano ang tawag sa maliit na pusa?
A: CATiting
Q: Ano ang tawag sa maliit na kambing?
A: kapirangGOAT
Q: Ano ang tawag sa maliit na kapre??
A: KAPREyanggot
A: eh di tsuNANO (unano)
Q: Ano ang tawag sa maliit na aso?
A: KapirASO
Q: Ano ang tawag sa maliit na pusa?
A: CATiting
Q: Ano ang tawag sa maliit na kambing?
A: kapirangGOAT
Q: Ano ang tawag sa maliit na kapre??
A: KAPREyanggot
Pasikatan
Chinese: I have 4 wives, 1 more and I have a
basketball team.
American: I have 9 wives, 1 more I have a football
team.
Pinoy: I have 17 wives, 1 more I have a golf
course - 18 holes.
basketball team.
American: I have 9 wives, 1 more I have a football
team.
Pinoy: I have 17 wives, 1 more I have a golf
course - 18 holes.
Ano ang Filipino translation ng sex
Q: Ano ang Filipino translation ng sex?
Clue: Starts with the letter K...naisip mo na?
Come on you can do it......
The answer is...kasarian. Dirty mind, ha!
Clue: Starts with the letter K...naisip mo na?
Come on you can do it......
The answer is...kasarian. Dirty mind, ha!
Ano'ng similarity ng sperm at mayonnaise
Q: Ano'ng similarity ng sperm at mayonnaise?
A: Pareho silang galing itlog at parehong Ladies' Choice.
A: Pareho silang galing itlog at parehong Ladies' Choice.
Two langaws on a piece of shit
Two langaws on a piece of shit....
Langaw 1: Pare, nauutot ako.
Langaw 2: Pare, wala namang ganyanan, kumakain tayo!!!
Langaw 1: Pare, nauutot ako.
Langaw 2: Pare, wala namang ganyanan, kumakain tayo!!!
Corruption
What's the difference between corruption in the US
and corruption in the Philippines?
In the US, they go to jail.
In the Philippines, they go to the US.
Divorce
Man : I want to divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me
in 6 months.
Lawyer: Better think it over. Wives like that are very hard to find!
in 6 months.
Lawyer: Better think it over. Wives like that are very hard to find!
3 brothers named Bu, Chu and Fu
3 brothers named Bu, Chu and Fu migrated to USA from China.
They decided to change their name :
Bu became Buck
Chu became Chuck.
Fu decided to go back to China ..
They decided to change their name :
Bu became Buck
Chu became Chuck.
Fu decided to go back to China ..
Love and Marriage Cycle
1-2 yrs : magkasalo sa plato
3-5 yrs : tig-isang plato
5-7 yrs : nagbabatuhan na ng plato
8-10 yrs : wala na silang plato
That is what we call PLATOnic love!
3-5 yrs : tig-isang plato
5-7 yrs : nagbabatuhan na ng plato
8-10 yrs : wala na silang plato
That is what we call PLATOnic love!
Sensitive Child
1st day in school...
Mom to teacher - Very sensitive po ang anak ko.
Kung kailangan nyo po parusahan,
Sampalin nyo na lang po ang katabi nya.
matatakot na 'yan!
Mom to teacher - Very sensitive po ang anak ko.
Kung kailangan nyo po parusahan,
Sampalin nyo na lang po ang katabi nya.
matatakot na 'yan!
Inside the classroom
Teacher: Write a short story in a few words discussing
Religion, Sexuality and Mystery.
Student wrote: "My God! I'm pregnant. I wonder who
the father is?"
Religion, Sexuality and Mystery.
Student wrote: "My God! I'm pregnant. I wonder who
the father is?"
Applicants
2 girls nag-aaply ng work. 1 matalino, 1 bobo
Matalino: Buti ka pa natanggap. Ano ba ginawa mo?
Bobo: Wala. Nung nag-fill up me ng form, nilagay ko
sa ***, sure.
Matalino: Buti ka pa natanggap. Ano ba ginawa mo?
Bobo: Wala. Nung nag-fill up me ng form, nilagay ko
sa ***, sure.
Huggies
Pulis: Bakit mo inihagis ang bata sa bintana?
Yaya: Sinunod ko lang po ang utos ng amo ko.
Sabi po ng amo ko, 'wala na tayong Pampers,
i- Huggies mo na lang si baby.
Yaya: Sinunod ko lang po ang utos ng amo ko.
Sabi po ng amo ko, 'wala na tayong Pampers,
i- Huggies mo na lang si baby.
Why do couples hold hands during wedding
Q. Why do couples hold hands during weddings?
A. It is just a formality. Like "2 boxers", they shake
hands before the fight begins.
A. It is just a formality. Like "2 boxers", they shake
hands before the fight begins.
Bra sizes
Do you know why bra makers measure cup size by "A B C D E F "?
A - almost gone
B - barelly noticeable
C - comfortable
D - damn good
E - exremely big and
F - Fake
A - almost gone
B - barelly noticeable
C - comfortable
D - damn good
E - exremely big and
F - Fake
Katapusan
Lumindol ng malakas noon....
Nagkagulo and lahat at nag-panic.
Sumigaw ang isang lalake..
"Katapusan na! Katapusan na!"
Sumagot ang isa pang lalake..
"Tanga, a kinse pa lang."
Nagkagulo and lahat at nag-panic.
Sumigaw ang isang lalake..
"Katapusan na! Katapusan na!"
Sumagot ang isa pang lalake..
"Tanga, a kinse pa lang."
Chalk
Amo : 'Day, ang chalk na ito para mamatay ang ipis.
Gamitin mo sa pader.
Maid : Opo, ati.
Next day .......
Nagulat ang amo, nakasulat sa pader...
"Epes mamatay kayong lahat!"
Gamitin mo sa pader.
Maid : Opo, ati.
Next day .......
Nagulat ang amo, nakasulat sa pader...
"Epes mamatay kayong lahat!"
Monday, July 1, 2013
What "K" (kalabaw) is the national animal of the Philippines ?
Host: What "K" (kalabaw) is the national animal of the Philippines ?
Contestant: Kuto?
Host : Hinde. Clue, it tills the land.
Contestant : Kutong Lupa!
Contestant: Kuto?
Host : Hinde. Clue, it tills the land.
Contestant : Kutong Lupa!
Sino ang national hero na naka-picture sa 500 Peso bill? Clue,may initials na N.A. (Ninoy Aquino)
Host : Sino ang national hero na naka-picture sa 500 Peso bill? Clue,may initials na N.A. (Ninoy Aquino)
Contestant: Nora Aunor?
Host : Hindi. Ang pangalan niya ay nage-end sa "Y".
Contestant : Guy Aunor?
Host: Hindi.Dati siyang Senador.
Contestant: Si Former Senator Guy Aunor?
Host: Hindi. Patay na siya.
Contestant : ANO??!! PATAY NA SI NORA AUNOR???!!!
Contestant: Nora Aunor?
Host : Hindi. Ang pangalan niya ay nage-end sa "Y".
Contestant : Guy Aunor?
Host: Hindi.Dati siyang Senador.
Contestant: Si Former Senator Guy Aunor?
Host: Hindi. Patay na siya.
Contestant : ANO??!! PATAY NA SI NORA AUNOR???!!!
Sino ang kauna-unahang Chess Grandmaster (Eugene Torre) of Asia ?
Host : Sino ang kauna-unahang Chess Grandmaster (Eugene Torre) of Asia ?
Contestant : Carole KING?
Host:Hindi, mas mababa sa king.
Contestant : Al QUINN?
Host: Hindi, tagalog ang apelyido niya.
Contestant: Armida Siguion-REYNA?
Host : Hindi pa rin. Mas mababa sa reyna.
Contestant : BISHOP Bacani?
Host : Mas mababa sa bishop.
Contestant :Johnny MidNIGHT ?
Host : Mas mababa sa Knight.
Contestant : Jerry PONS?
Host : Oh, ayan na, nabanggit mo na lahat ng piyesa sa Chess. Yung kahuli-hulihang piyesa na lang.
Contestant : Sylvia laTORRE!
Contestant : Carole KING?
Host:Hindi, mas mababa sa king.
Contestant : Al QUINN?
Host: Hindi, tagalog ang apelyido niya.
Contestant: Armida Siguion-REYNA?
Host : Hindi pa rin. Mas mababa sa reyna.
Contestant : BISHOP Bacani?
Host : Mas mababa sa bishop.
Contestant :Johnny MidNIGHT ?
Host : Mas mababa sa Knight.
Contestant : Jerry PONS?
Host : Oh, ayan na, nabanggit mo na lahat ng piyesa sa Chess. Yung kahuli-hulihang piyesa na lang.
Contestant : Sylvia laTORRE!
What "S" (Sampaguita) is the national flower of the Philippines ?
Host: What "S" (Sampaguita) is the national flower of the Philippines ?
Contestant : Sunflower?
Host : Hindi. Binebenta ito sa kalye.
Contestant: Stork?
Host: Hindi. Bulaklak sabi eh.
Contestant : Sitsarong bulaklak?
Host: Hindi pa rin. It ends with a letter "A".
Contestant: Sitsarong bulaklak na may suka?
Host: Oh, para madali, uulitin ko ang clues at dadagdagan ko pa! Anong pangalan ng bulaklak na nagsisimula sa "S", nagtatapos sa letrang "A", at kapangalan ng isang sikat na singer?
Contestant : Si…Sharon Cuneta!
Contestant : Sunflower?
Host : Hindi. Binebenta ito sa kalye.
Contestant: Stork?
Host: Hindi. Bulaklak sabi eh.
Contestant : Sitsarong bulaklak?
Host: Hindi pa rin. It ends with a letter "A".
Contestant: Sitsarong bulaklak na may suka?
Host: Oh, para madali, uulitin ko ang clues at dadagdagan ko pa! Anong pangalan ng bulaklak na nagsisimula sa "S", nagtatapos sa letrang "A", at kapangalan ng isang sikat na singer?
Contestant : Si…Sharon Cuneta!
Anong "S" (Salbabida) ang ginagamit na flotation device sa dagat upang hindi ka malunod?
Host: Anong "S" (Salbabida) ang ginagamit na flotation device sa dagat upang hindi ka malunod?
Contestant : Sirena?
Host : Hindi! Hindi ito babae.
Contestant : Siyokoy?
Host : Hindi ito lalake.
Contestant : Siyoke?
Contestant : Sirena?
Host : Hindi! Hindi ito babae.
Contestant : Siyokoy?
Host : Hindi ito lalake.
Contestant : Siyoke?
Anong "L" (Lifeguard) ang tawag sa tao na sumasagip sa iyo pag ikaw ay nalulunod?
Host: Anong "L" (Lifeguard) ang tawag sa tao na sumasagip sa iyo pag ikaw ay nalulunod?
Contestant : Lifebuoy?
Host: Hindi, pero kahawig nga ng pangalan ng sabon ang pangalan ng ito.
Contestant : Safeguard?
Host :Hindi, pagsamahin mo yung dalawang sagot mo.
Contestant: Safe Buoy?
Host: Hindi siya "boy"
at matipuno nga ang kaniyang katawan.
Contestant : Ah, Mr. Clean!
Contestant : Lifebuoy?
Host: Hindi, pero kahawig nga ng pangalan ng sabon ang pangalan ng ito.
Contestant : Safeguard?
Host :Hindi, pagsamahin mo yung dalawang sagot mo.
Contestant: Safe Buoy?
Host: Hindi siya "boy"
at matipuno nga ang kaniyang katawan.
Contestant : Ah, Mr. Clean!
Saan "B" (beach) tayo madalas pumunta pag summer upang maligo?
Host : Saan "B" (beach) tayo madalas pumunta pag summer upang maligo?
Contestant : Banyo?
Host : Hindi, pag pumunta ka
doon, maaarawan ka.
Contestant: Bubong?
Host : Hindi, marami kang makikita duong mga babaeng naka-bikini.
Contestant : Beerhouse!
Contestant : Banyo?
Host : Hindi, pag pumunta ka
doon, maaarawan ka.
Contestant: Bubong?
Host : Hindi, marami kang makikita duong mga babaeng naka-bikini.
Contestant : Beerhouse!
Saan binaril si Jose Rizal
Host : Saan "B" (Bagumbayan) binaril si Jose Rizal?
Contestant : Sa back?
Host : O sige, puwede rin na ang simula ay letter "L" (Luneta).
Contestant : Likod?
Host: Hindi pa rin. Para mas madali, "R.P." ang initials ng modern name nito( Rizal Park).
Contestant : Rear Part? (Susme! Likod pa rin yun!)
Contestant : Sa back?
Host : O sige, puwede rin na ang simula ay letter "L" (Luneta).
Contestant : Likod?
Host: Hindi pa rin. Para mas madali, "R.P." ang initials ng modern name nito( Rizal Park).
Contestant : Rear Part? (Susme! Likod pa rin yun!)
National tree of the Philippines
Host : What "N" (narra) is the
national tree of the Philippines ?
Contestant : Niyog?
Host : Mas matigas pa diyan.
Contestant : (in a strong-sounding voice) NIYOG!!!
national tree of the Philippines ?
Contestant : Niyog?
Host : Mas matigas pa diyan.
Contestant : (in a strong-sounding voice) NIYOG!!!
Pacman joke
Pacquiao: Honey, buksan mo na yung
sweets.
Jinky: Nasan honey? Ang lambing mo naman.
May pasalubong ka pa sakin!
Pacquiao: Yung sweets ng ilaw. Ang dilim
kaya!
sweets.
Jinky: Nasan honey? Ang lambing mo naman.
May pasalubong ka pa sakin!
Pacquiao: Yung sweets ng ilaw. Ang dilim
kaya!
Father & Son
Son to dying father: Itay, ano po ang gusto
nyo, magpalibing ba o magpa-cremate?
Ama: Ikaw na ang bahala, anak. I-surprise
mo na lang ako.
nyo, magpalibing ba o magpa-cremate?
Ama: Ikaw na ang bahala, anak. I-surprise
mo na lang ako.
Erap Joke ulit
Q. What`s the difference among Philippine Presidents Cory, Gloria and Erap?
A. Cory can`t tell a lie
Gloria can`t tell the truth
Erap can`t tell the difference
A. Cory can`t tell a lie
Gloria can`t tell the truth
Erap can`t tell the difference
Joke Time
Q. What's the difference between corruption in the US and corruption in the Philippines ?
A. In the U.S. they go to jail. In the Philippines , they go to the U..S.
A. In the U.S. they go to jail. In the Philippines , they go to the U..S.
PINOY CONTRACTOR ABROAD
Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence.
One from the Philippines , another from Mexico and an American.
They go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The American contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. Well,"
he says. "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Mexican contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Filipino contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers: "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "What? You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure? How do you expect me to consider your service with that bid??
"Easy," the Pinoy explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the guy from Mexico ".
The next day, the Pinoy and the Mexican are working on the Fence.
One from the Philippines , another from Mexico and an American.
They go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The American contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. Well,"
he says. "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Mexican contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Filipino contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers: "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "What? You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure? How do you expect me to consider your service with that bid??
"Easy," the Pinoy explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the guy from Mexico ".
The next day, the Pinoy and the Mexican are working on the Fence.
PINOY SALESMAN IN AMERICA
The Boss asks: 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The Pinoy says: 'Sir, I was a salesman back home in Manila.'
Well, the boss liked the Pinoy chappie so he gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. 'How many sales did you make today?'
Pinoy boy says: 'Sir, Just ONE sale.'
The boss says: 'Just one? No! No! No! You see here our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. If you want to keep this job, you'd better be doing better than just one sale. By the way, how much was the sale for?'
Pinoy boy says: ' $101 237. 64'
Boss says: '$101 237. 64? What the hell did you sell?'
Pinoy boy says:'Sir, First I sell him small fishhook.
Then I sell him medium fishhook.
Then I sell him large fishhook.
Then I sold him new fishing rod and some fishing gear.
Then I ask him where he's going fishing and he said down on the coast, so I told him he'll be needing a boat, so we went down to the boating department and I sell him twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to our automotive department and sell him that 4X4 Blazer.
I then ask him where he'll be staying, and since he had no accommodation, I took him to camping department and sell him one of those new igloo 6 sleeper Camper Tents.
Then the guy said, while we're at it, I should throw in about $100 worth of groceries and two cases of beer.
The boss said: 'You're not serious? A guy came in hereto buy a fishhook and you sold him a boat, a 4X4 truck and a tent?'
Pinoy boy says: 'No Sir, actually he came in to buy Tylenol for his headache and I said:
'Well, fishing is the best way to relax your mind!'
The Pinoy says: 'Sir, I was a salesman back home in Manila.'
Well, the boss liked the Pinoy chappie so he gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. 'How many sales did you make today?'
Pinoy boy says: 'Sir, Just ONE sale.'
The boss says: 'Just one? No! No! No! You see here our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. If you want to keep this job, you'd better be doing better than just one sale. By the way, how much was the sale for?'
Pinoy boy says: ' $101 237. 64'
Boss says: '$101 237. 64? What the hell did you sell?'
Pinoy boy says:'Sir, First I sell him small fishhook.
Then I sell him medium fishhook.
Then I sell him large fishhook.
Then I sold him new fishing rod and some fishing gear.
Then I ask him where he's going fishing and he said down on the coast, so I told him he'll be needing a boat, so we went down to the boating department and I sell him twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to our automotive department and sell him that 4X4 Blazer.
I then ask him where he'll be staying, and since he had no accommodation, I took him to camping department and sell him one of those new igloo 6 sleeper Camper Tents.
Then the guy said, while we're at it, I should throw in about $100 worth of groceries and two cases of beer.
The boss said: 'You're not serious? A guy came in hereto buy a fishhook and you sold him a boat, a 4X4 truck and a tent?'
Pinoy boy says: 'No Sir, actually he came in to buy Tylenol for his headache and I said:
'Well, fishing is the best way to relax your mind!'
THANK YOU FOR FLYING PHILIPPINE AIRLINES!
Passengers on a Philippine Airlines flight heard this
announcement from the captain, Capt. Juan Amorpropio:
"Mga kababayan, I am sorry to inform you that we have lost power to all of our
engines and will shortly crash into the ocean"
The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation but were somewhat
comforted by the captain's next announcement:
"Mga kababayan, we at Philippine Airlines have prepared for such an emergency
and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers
are on the left side of the plane and all the swimmers are on the right side of
the plane"
As commented by one of the passengers:
"Galing, that's what i like about PAL, always has some contingency measures of
some sort!, I hope they help me out coz' i definitely don't know how to swim."
After this announcement all the pasengers rearranged their seating to comply
with the captain's request. Two minutes later the captain made a belly landing
in the ocean.
The captain once again made an announcement:
"Mga kababayan we have crashed into the ocean. All of the swimmers on the right
side of the plane, open your emergency exits and quickly swim away from the plane.
For all of the non-swimmers on the left side of plane
THANK YOU FOR FLYING PHILIPPINE AIRLINES."
announcement from the captain, Capt. Juan Amorpropio:
"Mga kababayan, I am sorry to inform you that we have lost power to all of our
engines and will shortly crash into the ocean"
The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation but were somewhat
comforted by the captain's next announcement:
"Mga kababayan, we at Philippine Airlines have prepared for such an emergency
and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers
are on the left side of the plane and all the swimmers are on the right side of
the plane"
As commented by one of the passengers:
"Galing, that's what i like about PAL, always has some contingency measures of
some sort!, I hope they help me out coz' i definitely don't know how to swim."
After this announcement all the pasengers rearranged their seating to comply
with the captain's request. Two minutes later the captain made a belly landing
in the ocean.
The captain once again made an announcement:
"Mga kababayan we have crashed into the ocean. All of the swimmers on the right
side of the plane, open your emergency exits and quickly swim away from the plane.
For all of the non-swimmers on the left side of plane
THANK YOU FOR FLYING PHILIPPINE AIRLINES."
HOW WOULD YOU KNOW YOU ARE AT A FILIPINO PARTY?
You're an hour late and there's still nobody there! There’s enough food to feed the Philippines.
You can't even get through the door because there's a pile of 50 shoes blocking the way.
You see a huge fork and spoon on the wall, a framed picture of the Last Supper, a huge Santo Nino,and a barrel man.
They're singing "Peelings" on karaoke.
There's a piano in the living room for decoration.
You are greeted by a Tita Baby and/or a Tito Boy.
The older men are in the garage playing posoy-dos, or poker or 31, the women are in the kitchen gossiping, or are playing mahjong,the other people are in the entertainment room singing karaoke, and the kids are outside the streets running around unsupervised.
There's goat 'pulutan' beeing cooked.
There's a crazy woman with a camera going around the room snapping away and
yelling, "Uy peeeek-chuuur!"
You enter a family party and you "Mano" to half the old crowd and when you leave you have to say goodbye to EVERYONE that's related to you as a sign of respect. You end up saying hello and goodbye for a total of 30-40 minutes.
You know you're at a Filipino party when you hear a male's voice on the karaoke trying to emulate Frank Sinatra's "My Way."
Women are still doing the line dance to "todo todoâ€
When there's at least one or more with the name : JP,JJ, JT,TJ,DJ,AJ, RJ,LJ, Lingling, Bingbing, Tingting, Dingding, Wengweng, Bongbong, Dongdong etc.
All the old aunties and guests are already wrapping up food to take home.
You have the Pacquiao fight on the illegal cable boxes on the 70" LCD in the movie room,
The 10 yr old 50" CRT in the living room,
The 15 yr old 30" tube in the breakfast nook,
The 20 yr old 15" tube in the kitchen,
The 30 yr old 13" tube in the garage
And the Little portable by the BBQ grill,Because TVs are NEVER retired in a Filipino household, they merely get demoted to whichever room doesn't have a TV yet(hahaha),then it ends up in the balikbayan box to be sent to a relative back home, and it ends up being the main TV at the house again.
The aunties & guests are showing off their "designer" Louis Vuitton and Coach bags that they secretly bought at a swap-meet . .
Someone is always in the kitchen constantly cleaning up, and you're not sure if she's the maid or a relative, so you greet and kiss them on the cheek anyway.
Relatives/friends will ask you where you work and if it's a retail job or if you work at an amusement park, they'll ask if you can get them a discount.
The lumpia is gone in 5 minutes and they are frying up another batch.
They play achy-breaky heart over and over again.
I like how the religious gatherings at the house turn into an illegal gambling set up by the end of the night !!
You can't even get through the door because there's a pile of 50 shoes blocking the way.
You see a huge fork and spoon on the wall, a framed picture of the Last Supper, a huge Santo Nino,and a barrel man.
They're singing "Peelings" on karaoke.
There's a piano in the living room for decoration.
You are greeted by a Tita Baby and/or a Tito Boy.
The older men are in the garage playing posoy-dos, or poker or 31, the women are in the kitchen gossiping, or are playing mahjong,the other people are in the entertainment room singing karaoke, and the kids are outside the streets running around unsupervised.
There's goat 'pulutan' beeing cooked.
There's a crazy woman with a camera going around the room snapping away and
yelling, "Uy peeeek-chuuur!"
You enter a family party and you "Mano" to half the old crowd and when you leave you have to say goodbye to EVERYONE that's related to you as a sign of respect. You end up saying hello and goodbye for a total of 30-40 minutes.
You know you're at a Filipino party when you hear a male's voice on the karaoke trying to emulate Frank Sinatra's "My Way."
Women are still doing the line dance to "todo todoâ€
When there's at least one or more with the name : JP,JJ, JT,TJ,DJ,AJ, RJ,LJ, Lingling, Bingbing, Tingting, Dingding, Wengweng, Bongbong, Dongdong etc.
All the old aunties and guests are already wrapping up food to take home.
You have the Pacquiao fight on the illegal cable boxes on the 70" LCD in the movie room,
The 10 yr old 50" CRT in the living room,
The 15 yr old 30" tube in the breakfast nook,
The 20 yr old 15" tube in the kitchen,
The 30 yr old 13" tube in the garage
And the Little portable by the BBQ grill,Because TVs are NEVER retired in a Filipino household, they merely get demoted to whichever room doesn't have a TV yet(hahaha),then it ends up in the balikbayan box to be sent to a relative back home, and it ends up being the main TV at the house again.
The aunties & guests are showing off their "designer" Louis Vuitton and Coach bags that they secretly bought at a swap-meet . .
Someone is always in the kitchen constantly cleaning up, and you're not sure if she's the maid or a relative, so you greet and kiss them on the cheek anyway.
Relatives/friends will ask you where you work and if it's a retail job or if you work at an amusement park, they'll ask if you can get them a discount.
The lumpia is gone in 5 minutes and they are frying up another batch.
They play achy-breaky heart over and over again.
I like how the religious gatherings at the house turn into an illegal gambling set up by the end of the night !!
Pinya
Juan:0y,ano yan?Pinya?
Pahingi nman.
Pedro:Pahingi? Nsaan ka
nung ngbu2ngkal ako ng lupa sa ilalim ng init ng araw?Nasaan ka nung ngtatanim ako hbang kumukulog, kumikidlat at
bumubuhos ang ulan?Nsaan ka nung oras na ng-aani ako na ngkalat ang mraming ahas sa daanan ko, nung naghihirap ako sa pgpasan ng pinya? Nasaan ka?
Juan:Nakulong ksi ako noon! Nkaptay ako ng madamot!
Pedro:gnun ba?
Kuha ka na, khit ilan!
May langka pa dun!
Pahingi nman.
Pedro:Pahingi? Nsaan ka
nung ngbu2ngkal ako ng lupa sa ilalim ng init ng araw?Nasaan ka nung ngtatanim ako hbang kumukulog, kumikidlat at
bumubuhos ang ulan?Nsaan ka nung oras na ng-aani ako na ngkalat ang mraming ahas sa daanan ko, nung naghihirap ako sa pgpasan ng pinya? Nasaan ka?
Juan:Nakulong ksi ako noon! Nkaptay ako ng madamot!
Pedro:gnun ba?
Kuha ka na, khit ilan!
May langka pa dun!
Patatas
May tatlong magkukumare naglalakad sa palengke habang napatawa ang isang kumar1:
Maria: Hihihi…
Ester: Bakit mare?
Maria: Kasi nakakita ako ng itlog, naalala ko si mister…
Juana: Bakit naman?
Maria: Kasi ganun kalaki… hehehehe
Ester: Hehehehe
Habang sa paglalakad si Ester naman ang napangiti.
Juana: Bakit ka napnagiti mare?
Ester: Ksi nakakita ako ng kamatis… naalala ko si mister…
Maria: Bakit naman?
Ester: Kasi ganun kalaki!!!
Maria: Ang laki naman mare…
Tatlong magkumare: hahahaha
Habang sa paglalakad uli, si Juanan naman ang napangiti:
Maria: O bakit mare?
Juana: Kasi nakakita ako ng patatas, naalala ko si mister…
Ester: Ganun Kalaki?
Maria: Ang laki naman mare?
Juana: Hindi… Ganun kadumi.
Maria: Hihihi…
Ester: Bakit mare?
Maria: Kasi nakakita ako ng itlog, naalala ko si mister…
Juana: Bakit naman?
Maria: Kasi ganun kalaki… hehehehe
Ester: Hehehehe
Habang sa paglalakad si Ester naman ang napangiti.
Juana: Bakit ka napnagiti mare?
Ester: Ksi nakakita ako ng kamatis… naalala ko si mister…
Maria: Bakit naman?
Ester: Kasi ganun kalaki!!!
Maria: Ang laki naman mare…
Tatlong magkumare: hahahaha
Habang sa paglalakad uli, si Juanan naman ang napangiti:
Maria: O bakit mare?
Juana: Kasi nakakita ako ng patatas, naalala ko si mister…
Ester: Ganun Kalaki?
Maria: Ang laki naman mare?
Juana: Hindi… Ganun kadumi.
Erap calling U.P. Diliman:
Erap calling U.P. Diliman:
Erap: Hello! Is this Diliman?
Operator; No, this is Padre Faura!
Erap: I’m sorry father, wrong number!!!
Erap: Hello! Is this Diliman?
Operator; No, this is Padre Faura!
Erap: I’m sorry father, wrong number!!!
Erap in Pizzeria
Erap: What are your specialties?
Waiter: Sir, we serve all kinds of pizza.
Erap: Talaga?, bigyan mo ang ako ng Shakeys!!
While in Luneta:
Erap: Bro. Mike, can prostitute be saved?
Bro. Mike: Siyempre!
Erap: Sige, I-save mo ako para sa Sabado nights
Bro. Mike: Siyempre!
Erap: Sige, I-save mo ako para sa Sabado nights
While in a state visit to Washington, D.C.:
Bill Clinton: You know, we Americans hate you Filipinos going TNT in our country. Sorry if I’m Frank.
Erap (shocked): It’s Okay, I thought you were Bill!!!
Erap (shocked): It’s Okay, I thought you were Bill!!!
Erap While in Drugstore:
Erap: I’d like some vitamins for my Grandson.
Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Erap: It does matter, cause he can’t read yet!!!
Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Erap: It does matter, cause he can’t read yet!!!
Erap in Emergency Room
In an emergency room…
Erap: Doctor! Doctor! I swallowed a bone
Doctor: Are you choking?
Erap: No, I’m serious!!!
Erap: Doctor! Doctor! I swallowed a bone
Doctor: Are you choking?
Erap: No, I’m serious!!!
Kamukha ni Erap
Jingoy: Dad, sabi nila pagnakaharap ako kamukha ko si Jose Rizal, pag-nakaside view kamukha ko naman si Manuel Roxas. Anong ibig sabihin yon?
Erap: Mukha kang pera.
Erap: Mukha kang pera.
Erap on Plane
Reporter to Erap alighting from a PAL flight: ‘Mr. President, what can you say about the economy?’
Erap: ‘I don’t know, kasi nasa first class ako.’
Erap: ‘I don’t know, kasi nasa first class ako.’
PEDRO sa America
It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez,
the son of a Mexican restaurateur,entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who
said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' "
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.
Patrick Henry, 1775." Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said,
"Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish
from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Pedro:
"Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed!
Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you
do!"
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher,
"Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now, with almost a mob hysteria, teacher said, "You little shit. If you say
anything else, I'll kill you!"
Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra
Levy, 2001."
The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor,
someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"
Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."
the son of a Mexican restaurateur,entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who
said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' "
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.
Patrick Henry, 1775." Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said,
"Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish
from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Pedro:
"Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed!
Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you
do!"
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher,
"Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now, with almost a mob hysteria, teacher said, "You little shit. If you say
anything else, I'll kill you!"
Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra
Levy, 2001."
The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor,
someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"
Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."
TESTING
As Erap’s Driver test drive it.
Driver to Erap: Sir, pweding pakitingin kung umiilaw yung parking light as driver switches on the parking light)
Erap: OK, its ON! Gumagana.
Driver: Sir, yung headlights, umiilaw ba? (as driver switches on the headlights)
Erap: OK rin, its ON! Gumagana.
Driver: Sir yung signal light pakitingin? (as driver switches on the signal light)
Erap: Gumagana, ay ayaw, ay gumagana, ay ayaw, ay gumagana, ay ayaw…….
Driver to Erap: Sir, pweding pakitingin kung umiilaw yung parking light as driver switches on the parking light)
Erap: OK, its ON! Gumagana.
Driver: Sir, yung headlights, umiilaw ba? (as driver switches on the headlights)
Erap: OK rin, its ON! Gumagana.
Driver: Sir yung signal light pakitingin? (as driver switches on the signal light)
Erap: Gumagana, ay ayaw, ay gumagana, ay ayaw, ay gumagana, ay ayaw…….
IN LABOR
One particular day many years ago, Erap’s wife was having labor pains.
Erap panicked so he called their doctor.
Erap: Hello, doc. My wife is in labor!
Doc: Is she in a lot of pain?
Erap: Yes, doc!
Doc: Is this the first baby?
Erap: No, doc. This is Erap!
Joke #11: ANOTHER EXAMPLE
Teacher: (talking to ERAP) Can you give me an example of a beast of burden?
ERAP: Carabao, ma’am! Teacher: Very good, ERAP. Can you give another example?
ERAP: How about another Carabao?
Erap panicked so he called their doctor.
Erap: Hello, doc. My wife is in labor!
Doc: Is she in a lot of pain?
Erap: Yes, doc!
Doc: Is this the first baby?
Erap: No, doc. This is Erap!
Joke #11: ANOTHER EXAMPLE
Teacher: (talking to ERAP) Can you give me an example of a beast of burden?
ERAP: Carabao, ma’am! Teacher: Very good, ERAP. Can you give another example?
ERAP: How about another Carabao?
Erap in Library
‘What time does the library open?’ Erap on the phone asked.
‘Nine A.M. ‘ came the reply. ‘And what’s the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?’
‘Not until nine A.M.?’ Erap asked in a disappointed voice.
‘No, not till nine A.M.!’ the librarian said.
‘Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?’
‘ha, who said I wanted to get in?’ Erap sighed sadly. ‘I want to get out!’
FVR, Cory and Erap, are about to be executed
FVR, Cory and Erap, are about to be executed in front of a firing squad. Each of them is blindfolded and given the chance to call upon the forces of nature to save them. The executioner starts the countdown: ‘10, 9, 8,….’.
FVR shouts, ‘Flood!’. In a sudden, a big wave came. FVR was able to escape because of the commotion.
It’s Cory’s turn. She shouts: ‘Earthquake! ‘. The people watching the execution panicked. She was able to escape.
Erap was wondering what calamity to call. The executioner started counting again: ‘10, 9, 8, 7….’. Erap had a mental block. ‘5, 4, 3, 2, 1…’
Erap shouted: ‘Fire!’.
FVR shouts, ‘Flood!’. In a sudden, a big wave came. FVR was able to escape because of the commotion.
It’s Cory’s turn. She shouts: ‘Earthquake! ‘. The people watching the execution panicked. She was able to escape.
Erap was wondering what calamity to call. The executioner started counting again: ‘10, 9, 8, 7….’. Erap had a mental block. ‘5, 4, 3, 2, 1…’
Erap shouted: ‘Fire!’.
Tinuturuan ni Erap ang apo ng nursery rhyme
Tinuturuan ni Erap ang apo ng nursery rhyme:
Erap: “put your right feet in, put your left feet out...”
“Then kick them all about”
narinig pala ni Loi ang kanta...
Loi: “Dear, mali ka naman eh, dapat foot.”
Erap: “Ayyy oo nga pala...”
kaya binago ni Erap ang kanta:
“Foot your right feet in, foot your left feet out...”
Erap: “put your right feet in, put your left feet out...”
“Then kick them all about”
narinig pala ni Loi ang kanta...
Loi: “Dear, mali ka naman eh, dapat foot.”
Erap: “Ayyy oo nga pala...”
kaya binago ni Erap ang kanta:
“Foot your right feet in, foot your left feet out...”
Nagmamadali na naman si Erap...
Nagmamadali na naman si Erap...
Ka-meeting nito ang mga dating opisyal ng militar.
Sekretarya: “Boss sa’n ang punta n’yo?”
Erap: “Well, I have a meeting with some retarded generals.”
Ka-meeting nito ang mga dating opisyal ng militar.
Sekretarya: “Boss sa’n ang punta n’yo?”
Erap: “Well, I have a meeting with some retarded generals.”
Ayon pa rin kay Erap
Ayon pa rin kay Erap...
Ang pambansang wika ng bansang Cuba... ay “Cubic” at ang pagbati sa isang Españolang dalaga...
“Buenos dias, senyora, como Estados Unidos?”
Ang pambansang wika ng bansang Cuba... ay “Cubic” at ang pagbati sa isang Españolang dalaga...
“Buenos dias, senyora, como Estados Unidos?”
Sa kalagitnaan ng isang meeting
Sa kalagitnaan ng isang meeting:
Biglang tumayo si Erap at nagmamadali, tumakbo ito sa comfort room.
Paglabas niya, nakita ang mga alalay na nag-aalala:
Sabi ni Erap: “Relax, it’s just a spurt of the moment.”
Biglang tumayo si Erap at nagmamadali, tumakbo ito sa comfort room.
Paglabas niya, nakita ang mga alalay na nag-aalala:
Sabi ni Erap: “Relax, it’s just a spurt of the moment.”
Eraps memory
Madalas mapuri si Erap dahil matalas ang memorya nito natatandaan niya ang mga pangalan ng taong nakikilala.
Sagot niya: “Well, you see I have a pornographic memory.”
Sagot niya: “Well, you see I have a pornographic memory.”
Erap on french restaurant
Sa isang French resto kasama si Jinggoy:
Sabi ni Erap: “Anak, magpa-va-let na lang tayo.”
Jinggoy: “dad val-ey parking po.”
Nang nasa loob na ng resto:
Erap: “ayan mag-buff-et tayo anak.”
Jinggoy: “dad, it’s buff-ey.”
Matapos kumain at magbabayad na:
Erap: “naku anak, nakalimutan ko sa car ang
aking wall-ey!”
Sabi ni Erap: “Anak, magpa-va-let na lang tayo.”
Jinggoy: “dad val-ey parking po.”
Nang nasa loob na ng resto:
Erap: “ayan mag-buff-et tayo anak.”
Jinggoy: “dad, it’s buff-ey.”
Matapos kumain at magbabayad na:
Erap: “naku anak, nakalimutan ko sa car ang
aking wall-ey!”
Erap sa restaurant
Natapos na ni Erap ang main course sa isang dinner...
Lumapit sa kanya ang waiter...
Tinanong kung gusto ng second serving...
Sagot ni Erap: “No thanks, I’m fed up already.”
Lumapit sa kanya ang waiter...
Tinanong kung gusto ng second serving...
Sagot ni Erap: “No thanks, I’m fed up already.”
Sa beach resort
Sa beach resort...
Magkakasama sina Erap and friends...
Pero naiwan si Erap ng mga friends na naunang sumakay ng banka kaya napasigaw ito: “Hoy! teka sasama ako!!!!” pero nakalayo na ang bankang de motor! kaya kumuha si Erap ng telescope at nang makita na ang bangka at malapitan na ito...
Bumulong si Erap:
“Balik kayo... Sasama kaya ako!”
Magkakasama sina Erap and friends...
Pero naiwan si Erap ng mga friends na naunang sumakay ng banka kaya napasigaw ito: “Hoy! teka sasama ako!!!!” pero nakalayo na ang bankang de motor! kaya kumuha si Erap ng telescope at nang makita na ang bangka at malapitan na ito...
Bumulong si Erap:
“Balik kayo... Sasama kaya ako!”
Prosti
Zamora: "Mr. ERAP, dumarami na naman daw ang mga prosti sa kalsada."
ERAP: "okay lang siguro iyun dahil malapit na ang summer, masarap din naman ang prosti lalo na iyung grape flavor.
ERAP: "okay lang siguro iyun dahil malapit na ang summer, masarap din naman ang prosti lalo na iyung grape flavor.
Erap have brain cancer
ERAP: "I have a brain cancer. Yehey!!!"
Ramos: "That's delicate, how come you're still happy?"
ERAP: "Now I know I have a brain!"
Ramos: "That's delicate, how come you're still happy?"
ERAP: "Now I know I have a brain!"
NIPPONGGO TO TAGALOG TRANSLATION DAW?
Is this your car? - Otomoto
Is this my car? - Otokoto
Is this your noodles? - Mikimoto
This is my desk - Itodesko
Speechless? - Wasabe
I have a lot of things to do - Hironaka
Old lady? - Kurukurubot
A blind man who has been cured - Nakakita
A man listening to a Walkman/Diskman - Nakasone
Katulong (DH) - Otosang
Mahirap - Nakamura
Mayaman - Nakaguchi
Komiks - Wakasang
Tricycle - Tatrogurung
Pangit - Kamukamo
Maganda - Kamukako
Cigarette Factory - Yosigawa
Tamad - Yokogawa
Makati ang ulo - Mekoto
Virgin Sarakeke
Hindi Virgin - Wasakeke
Makati ang kilikili - Mebarakubakirikiri
Makati ang puke - Kekekomekoto
Is this my car? - Otokoto
Is this your noodles? - Mikimoto
This is my desk - Itodesko
Speechless? - Wasabe
I have a lot of things to do - Hironaka
Old lady? - Kurukurubot
A blind man who has been cured - Nakakita
A man listening to a Walkman/Diskman - Nakasone
Katulong (DH) - Otosang
Mahirap - Nakamura
Mayaman - Nakaguchi
Komiks - Wakasang
Tricycle - Tatrogurung
Pangit - Kamukamo
Maganda - Kamukako
Cigarette Factory - Yosigawa
Tamad - Yokogawa
Makati ang ulo - Mekoto
Virgin Sarakeke
Hindi Virgin - Wasakeke
Makati ang kilikili - Mebarakubakirikiri
Makati ang puke - Kekekomekoto
English 101
Ang English ng nagpakamatay, Suicide.
Namatay sa bahay, Homicide.
Namatay dahil sa daga, Pesticide.
Namatay na magkatabi, Sidebyside.
Namatay habang nakikipagtalik, Insexticide.
Namatay sa bahay, Homicide.
Namatay dahil sa daga, Pesticide.
Namatay na magkatabi, Sidebyside.
Namatay habang nakikipagtalik, Insexticide.
Nakalulon ng ipis
Maid: mam si junjun nakalulon ng ipis!
Mam: ha nsaan si junjun
Maid: tulog po mam. pinainum ko agad ng Baygon!!
patay na siguro yung ipis
Mam: ha nsaan si junjun
Maid: tulog po mam. pinainum ko agad ng Baygon!!
patay na siguro yung ipis
Pacman sa klase
Titser: use "anyhow" en "anyone" in a sentence..
Pacman: hoy Pidro!! bakit mo kinain ang "anyhow" na manok
na "anyone" ko dyan sa mesa para kay Jengkeh
Pacman: hoy Pidro!! bakit mo kinain ang "anyhow" na manok
na "anyone" ko dyan sa mesa para kay Jengkeh
Classroom eksena
Teacher: Lahat ng tanga dito sa klase tumayo
may isang batang tumayo
Teacher: bakit tanga ka ba?
bata: eh sir.. naaawa lang po ako sa inyo kasi
mayisa lang kayong nakatayo kaya sasamahan ko na lang
kayo para dalawa tayong tanga..
may isang batang tumayo
Teacher: bakit tanga ka ba?
bata: eh sir.. naaawa lang po ako sa inyo kasi
mayisa lang kayong nakatayo kaya sasamahan ko na lang
kayo para dalawa tayong tanga..
Bulag at duling magsusuntukan
Bulag at duling magsusuntukan!!
Bulag: hayop ka duling!! lumabas ka dyan.. wag kang
magtago sa dilim!!
Duling: in your dreams!!! bakit ako lalabas eh
dalawa kayo!!!
Bulag: hayop ka duling!! lumabas ka dyan.. wag kang
magtago sa dilim!!
Duling: in your dreams!!! bakit ako lalabas eh
dalawa kayo!!!
NURSE INTERN
An ambitious NURSE INTERN in a tertiary hospital
dialled canteen
and shouted: " get me a cup of coffee quickly!!!"
The voice from the other line said" "You fool!!!
youve dialled
the wrong extension! Do you know who you are talking to?
im the Chief nurse of this hospital, you idiot!!"
The intern shouted back " and you know who
are talking to you bitch?"
Chief Nurse: No!
Intern: Thank God!(hung up)
dialled canteen
and shouted: " get me a cup of coffee quickly!!!"
The voice from the other line said" "You fool!!!
youve dialled
the wrong extension! Do you know who you are talking to?
im the Chief nurse of this hospital, you idiot!!"
The intern shouted back " and you know who
are talking to you bitch?"
Chief Nurse: No!
Intern: Thank God!(hung up)
Po at Opo
Anak: nay galing ng titser ko.
Nay: bakit namn?
Anak: tinuruan kami ng kagandahang asal
Lola: e d marunong ka ng gumalang at mag-PO at OPO?
Anak:Natural! tanga ka Ba? hmmp...
Nay: bakit namn?
Anak: tinuruan kami ng kagandahang asal
Lola: e d marunong ka ng gumalang at mag-PO at OPO?
Anak:Natural! tanga ka Ba? hmmp...
Lolo at Lola
Lolo:Laro tayo.
Lola:ano?
Lolo:Kahit ano wag lang taguan
Lola:bakit naman?
Lola: because a girl like you is impossible to find
lupit ni lolo
Lola:ano?
Lolo:Kahit ano wag lang taguan
Lola:bakit naman?
Lola: because a girl like you is impossible to find
lupit ni lolo
Bakit Ganun
Bakit ganun.. sa kama na lang ba lagi ang role
ko sa buhay mo.. each time na pagod ka im always
here para painitin ang malalamig mong gabi..
Hindi ba ako pedeng idisplay sa mga tao? kahit
minsan lang?
- Kumot(nagdradrama gustong maging Kurtina)
ko sa buhay mo.. each time na pagod ka im always
here para painitin ang malalamig mong gabi..
Hindi ba ako pedeng idisplay sa mga tao? kahit
minsan lang?
- Kumot(nagdradrama gustong maging Kurtina)
Lola
Isang gabi habang nanonood ako
tumabi sakin ang lola ko..
ang haba ng buhok itim na itim ng
damit parang malungkot at may
hawak na kutsilyo
kinabahan ako..
nagsalita siya..
sabi niya..
"apo, bagay ba sa akin ang EMO?"
tumabi sakin ang lola ko..
ang haba ng buhok itim na itim ng
damit parang malungkot at may
hawak na kutsilyo
kinabahan ako..
nagsalita siya..
sabi niya..
"apo, bagay ba sa akin ang EMO?"
Diplomatic Immunity
While in a diplomatic mission, President Estrada, Former Presidents Cory and Eddie were invited to South America to speak on economic recovery. While they were being toured by their host, they were ambushed by terrorists. Luckily, they escaped into the nearby jungle. Here's how the story went...
"How are we going to get back now?" Cory asked in general. As usual, it was FVR who had the solution, being a military man, he is trained to think of fast alternatives.
"Let's try to walk in a straight line towards the sun, and sooner or later we will get to a village." he said. And so they walked. After a few hours of walking, they heard the cries of the terrorists hunting them. Somehow, they were seen and an ensuing chase began.
Suddenly, Erap had a bright idea. "Eddie! Cory! Magtago na lang muna tayo! Pagod na ako, eh!" he said panting.
"Good idea!" "Sige!" FVR and Cory said simultaneously. And they stopped and looked around for a place to hide. FVR saw the pond and lowered himself into it. Cory saw a thick clump of bushes and inserted herslef among the leaves. Erap, running out of ground-level hiding places, looked up and saw a tree with a lot of leaves.
"Aha! Makapal ang dahon! They will not see me here!" and so he climbed the tree.
Not a moment too soon, the terrorists burst into the area where they were standing scant moments ago. Of course they did not see anything, for the trio was very well hidden. Unfortunately, FVR sneezed.
"What's that!!?? Who's there!!!???" shouted one of the terrorists, pointing his gun around. FVR, thinking fast, imitated a frog.
"KOKAK, KOKAK," he said.
"Aah, it's just a frog," said the terrorist. At the same moment, Cory was bitten by an insect and let out a small cry.
"What's that!!?? Who's there!!!???" shouted the terrorist, pointing his gun around. Cory, not ready to be caught, imitated a duck.
"QUACK, QUACK!" she said.
"Aah, it's just a duck," said the terrorist, relaxing. Erap, meanwhile did not look for a suitable branch to hang on to, and soon he began to slip. Movement among the tree leaves alerted the terrorist.
"What's that!!?? Who's there!!!???" shouted the terrorist, pointing his gun upwards. Erap, following suit the examples of his comrades, said,
"MOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"How are we going to get back now?" Cory asked in general. As usual, it was FVR who had the solution, being a military man, he is trained to think of fast alternatives.
"Let's try to walk in a straight line towards the sun, and sooner or later we will get to a village." he said. And so they walked. After a few hours of walking, they heard the cries of the terrorists hunting them. Somehow, they were seen and an ensuing chase began.
Suddenly, Erap had a bright idea. "Eddie! Cory! Magtago na lang muna tayo! Pagod na ako, eh!" he said panting.
"Good idea!" "Sige!" FVR and Cory said simultaneously. And they stopped and looked around for a place to hide. FVR saw the pond and lowered himself into it. Cory saw a thick clump of bushes and inserted herslef among the leaves. Erap, running out of ground-level hiding places, looked up and saw a tree with a lot of leaves.
"Aha! Makapal ang dahon! They will not see me here!" and so he climbed the tree.
Not a moment too soon, the terrorists burst into the area where they were standing scant moments ago. Of course they did not see anything, for the trio was very well hidden. Unfortunately, FVR sneezed.
"What's that!!?? Who's there!!!???" shouted one of the terrorists, pointing his gun around. FVR, thinking fast, imitated a frog.
"KOKAK, KOKAK," he said.
"Aah, it's just a frog," said the terrorist. At the same moment, Cory was bitten by an insect and let out a small cry.
"What's that!!?? Who's there!!!???" shouted the terrorist, pointing his gun around. Cory, not ready to be caught, imitated a duck.
"QUACK, QUACK!" she said.
"Aah, it's just a duck," said the terrorist, relaxing. Erap, meanwhile did not look for a suitable branch to hang on to, and soon he began to slip. Movement among the tree leaves alerted the terrorist.
"What's that!!?? Who's there!!!???" shouted the terrorist, pointing his gun upwards. Erap, following suit the examples of his comrades, said,
"MOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Another Erap joke
Once, Erap and Dra. Loi went dining in a classy restaurant. Since Erap likes to show off to his wife, their conversation went like this:
Erap: O, saan tayo kakain?
Loi: Sa japanese restaurant sa Ayala, masarap doon!
Erap: Ah, oo. Doon sa kwan, sa kung saan merong buffet (actually, he pronounced it as BUFF-FETT)
Loi: (Correcting him) Dear, hindi buff-fett...buffet
Erap: Ah, okay.... sorry.
By this time, they had already stopped in front of the restaurant. They got out and had a good time.
Erap: Aah, saraaap. Teka, natatandaan mo ba yung valet na kumuha ng kotse natin? (Again, he pronounced the word erratically, as VA-LETT)
Loi: Dear, valet, hindi va-lett.
Erap: Sige na, sige na... Magbayad na tayo, akina yung WA-LEY ko!
Erap: O, saan tayo kakain?
Loi: Sa japanese restaurant sa Ayala, masarap doon!
Erap: Ah, oo. Doon sa kwan, sa kung saan merong buffet (actually, he pronounced it as BUFF-FETT)
Loi: (Correcting him) Dear, hindi buff-fett...buffet
Erap: Ah, okay.... sorry.
By this time, they had already stopped in front of the restaurant. They got out and had a good time.
Erap: Aah, saraaap. Teka, natatandaan mo ba yung valet na kumuha ng kotse natin? (Again, he pronounced the word erratically, as VA-LETT)
Loi: Dear, valet, hindi va-lett.
Erap: Sige na, sige na... Magbayad na tayo, akina yung WA-LEY ko!
ONCE UPON A TIME
During the past Olympic Games held in Spain, then Vice-President Erap, then President Ramos and then Speaker Joe deV were invited to attend. But their invitations lacked the passes they need to enter the Olympics area. Here goes the story:
Erap to FVR: Boss, pano to? Hindi tayo makakapasok!
Joe deV: Oo nga, ser.
FVR: No problem, boyzz.. Magpapanggap tayong mga athletes. So, humanap muna kayo ng mga props ninyo at magkita-kita tayo dito in 1 hour.
And so they all went away looking for the appropriate props. After one hour...
FVR: O, ano'ng dala ninyo? Ako may dalang pana, magpapanggap akong athlete sa Archery!
Joe deV: Ako may dalang flagpole, magpapanggap akong athlete sa pole vault!
FVR: O, Erap, ba't may dala kang barbed wire?
Erap: (Proudly) Athlete ako ng fencing!
Erap to FVR: Boss, pano to? Hindi tayo makakapasok!
Joe deV: Oo nga, ser.
FVR: No problem, boyzz.. Magpapanggap tayong mga athletes. So, humanap muna kayo ng mga props ninyo at magkita-kita tayo dito in 1 hour.
And so they all went away looking for the appropriate props. After one hour...
FVR: O, ano'ng dala ninyo? Ako may dalang pana, magpapanggap akong athlete sa Archery!
Joe deV: Ako may dalang flagpole, magpapanggap akong athlete sa pole vault!
FVR: O, Erap, ba't may dala kang barbed wire?
Erap: (Proudly) Athlete ako ng fencing!
WIZARD OF OZ
Hitler, Clinton and Erap in the Land of Oz
Hitler: I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart!
Erap: I'm going to ask the Wizard for some brains!
Clinton: (meanwhile, looking around scanning the area) Where's Dorothy?
Hitler: I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart!
Erap: I'm going to ask the Wizard for some brains!
Clinton: (meanwhile, looking around scanning the area) Where's Dorothy?
SECRET:
Erap to Loi: Wow ang bango mo ngayon ah! Ano'ng gamit mong pabango?
Loi: Secret!!!
Erap: Secret? Di ba pinapahid yun sa kili-kili?
Loi: Secret!!!
Erap: Secret? Di ba pinapahid yun sa kili-kili?
SHOT HIS WIFE
Why did Erap shoot his wife when he bought a house? Because the contract read: "Execute all 3 copies together with your wife..."
LAPTOP:
Exec Sec Zamora: Sir, puwede bang palitan 'tong laptop ko?
Erap: Bakit?
Zamora: Masyadong mabigat, eh!
Erap: Ba't di ka mag-delete ng files para gumaan?
Erap: Bakit?
Zamora: Masyadong mabigat, eh!
Erap: Ba't di ka mag-delete ng files para gumaan?
Telephone sa Malacañang
A cub reporter was complaining about the President's accessibility to the media.
Talking to another veteran media man, he said it is harder now to get through The President compared to those days when he was still Mayor, Senator and even Vice President.
The media man said, "Pare, hindi totoo yan! In fact they have installed a very sophisticated telephone system over at Malacanang. All you need to do is lift the handset and presto you can talk to the President anytime."
"Really?" said the amused reporter and hurriedly ended the conversation. "O, sige pare, thank you sa tip ha? Tatawag na kaagad ako sa Presidente!"
And so the reporter got hold of a telephone and dialed the Malacañang number, and this is what he heard:
"GOOD MORNING, YOU HAVE REACHED THE OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENT. IF YOU WISH TO TALK TO HIM IN TAGALOG, PLEASE PRESS 1.
IF YOU WANT TO TALK TO HIM IN FILIPINO, PLEASE PRESS 2.
IF YOU INSIST ON TALKING TO HIM IN ENGLISH, PLEASE HANG UP AND DON'T CALL AGAIN!"
That didn't dampen the spirit of the persistent reporter. He dialed the number again and followed the instruction by pressing 1 for Tagalog, and this is what he heard:
"MAGANDANG UMAGA PO, ANG INYONG TAWAG AY NAKARATING SA TANGGAPAN NG PANGULONG ERAP.
SA KASAWIANG PALAD, SIYA AY KASALUKUYAN PANG NATUTULOG. KUNG MAYROON KAYONG IBANG NAIS MAKAUSAP, SUNDIN ANG MGA SUMUSUNOD:
PINDUTIN ANG ISA PARA SA UNANG ASAWA.
PINDUTIN ANG DALAWA PARA SA PANGALAWANG ASAWA,
AT PINDUTIN ANG TATLO KUNG MAYROON KAYONG MAIRE-REKOMENDA!"
Talking to another veteran media man, he said it is harder now to get through The President compared to those days when he was still Mayor, Senator and even Vice President.
The media man said, "Pare, hindi totoo yan! In fact they have installed a very sophisticated telephone system over at Malacanang. All you need to do is lift the handset and presto you can talk to the President anytime."
"Really?" said the amused reporter and hurriedly ended the conversation. "O, sige pare, thank you sa tip ha? Tatawag na kaagad ako sa Presidente!"
And so the reporter got hold of a telephone and dialed the Malacañang number, and this is what he heard:
"GOOD MORNING, YOU HAVE REACHED THE OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENT. IF YOU WISH TO TALK TO HIM IN TAGALOG, PLEASE PRESS 1.
IF YOU WANT TO TALK TO HIM IN FILIPINO, PLEASE PRESS 2.
IF YOU INSIST ON TALKING TO HIM IN ENGLISH, PLEASE HANG UP AND DON'T CALL AGAIN!"
That didn't dampen the spirit of the persistent reporter. He dialed the number again and followed the instruction by pressing 1 for Tagalog, and this is what he heard:
"MAGANDANG UMAGA PO, ANG INYONG TAWAG AY NAKARATING SA TANGGAPAN NG PANGULONG ERAP.
SA KASAWIANG PALAD, SIYA AY KASALUKUYAN PANG NATUTULOG. KUNG MAYROON KAYONG IBANG NAIS MAKAUSAP, SUNDIN ANG MGA SUMUSUNOD:
PINDUTIN ANG ISA PARA SA UNANG ASAWA.
PINDUTIN ANG DALAWA PARA SA PANGALAWANG ASAWA,
AT PINDUTIN ANG TATLO KUNG MAYROON KAYONG MAIRE-REKOMENDA!"
BELOW 18:
Isang araw, the president and party went to a bar. On the entrance was a sign that says "NO ADMITTANCE BELOW 18". The president started counting and when he found out na 17 lang sila, he ordered one of his men to call the driver para makapasok sila.! (seventeen?..below 18 nga naman no?!)
ISPELING
There was once a quiz bee held at Malacanang. The contestants were Erap, Morato, and Roco. All were pretty good and they all got the same points. Then came the tie-breaking question. The type of the question was fill in the blank and spell the answer.
The statement runs this way
?
"Old McDonald had a_________."
The contestants immediately pushed the buzzer. Morato was the first so he was given the chance first.
Host: "Okey Mr. Morato, what is your answer?":
Morato: "Old McDonald had a Duck ?"
Host: "I'm sorry, but that's not the correct answer."
It was then Roco's chance.
Host: "Mr. Roco, what's do you think is the correct answer?"
Roco: " Old McDonald had a Farme (as in farm) sir?"
Host: "That's right Mr. Roco! Now, will you please spell 'farm'?"
Roco: " F-A-R-M-E!"
Host: "I'm sorry, but the spelling is wrong."
Then came Erap"s chance. If he spells it right, he'll win the contest!
Host: "Sir, will you now give us your answer ?"
Erap: "Sure! That's nothing!!"
His answer?
"Old McDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O!"
Audience: ngehh!!
The statement runs this way
?
"Old McDonald had a_________."
The contestants immediately pushed the buzzer. Morato was the first so he was given the chance first.
Host: "Okey Mr. Morato, what is your answer?":
Morato: "Old McDonald had a Duck ?"
Host: "I'm sorry, but that's not the correct answer."
It was then Roco's chance.
Host: "Mr. Roco, what's do you think is the correct answer?"
Roco: " Old McDonald had a Farme (as in farm) sir?"
Host: "That's right Mr. Roco! Now, will you please spell 'farm'?"
Roco: " F-A-R-M-E!"
Host: "I'm sorry, but the spelling is wrong."
Then came Erap"s chance. If he spells it right, he'll win the contest!
Host: "Sir, will you now give us your answer ?"
Erap: "Sure! That's nothing!!"
His answer?
"Old McDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O!"
Audience: ngehh!!
Erap in Spain
One day, Erap was touring Spain. After his day's sightseeing, he stopped at a local restaurant. While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's balls from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" Erap, though momentarily daunted when he learned the origin of the dish said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving a day since there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy!" Early the next morning, Erap returned, placed his order and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!" The waiter promptly replied, "Si senor! Sometimes the bull wins."
NAINIS NA SI ERAP:
Erap got really fuming mad over those text messages on Globe Handyphone where he is always the topic. Said he "Paghindi kayo nagsitigil, papuputulan ko kayo nang linya sa Meralco!"
ERAP AND HIS GRANDCHILD:
Erap teaching his granchild an action song "put your right feet on, put your left feet out." Loi heard him and said "Dad, its foot."
Erap: "Sorry, okay foot your right feet in, foot your left feet out."
Erap: "Sorry, okay foot your right feet in, foot your left feet out."
ERAP TRIES PAGING:
Easycall Operator: Sender's name please.
Sender: Erap Estrada.
Easycall Operator: Message please.
Sender: Jinggoy this is papa. Nasa akin ang pager unit mo.
Sender: Erap Estrada.
Easycall Operator: Message please.
Sender: Jinggoy this is papa. Nasa akin ang pager unit mo.
ERAP ON THE PHONE:
Erap: Hello, I will like to inquire how long is the flight to San Francisco?
Operator: Just a minute sir...
Erap: Thank you! (klik).
Operator: Just a minute sir...
Erap: Thank you! (klik).
ERAP IN SCHOOL:
Classmate 1: What is 5 plus 4?
Erap: Eh di 9!
Classmate 2: What is 4 plus 5?
Erap: Gagaguhin mo pa ako eh binaligtad mo lang... eh di 6!
Erap: Eh di 9!
Classmate 2: What is 4 plus 5?
Erap: Gagaguhin mo pa ako eh binaligtad mo lang... eh di 6!
Eraps protest
Mega-traffic sa Mendiola. Tatlong oras nang nakahinto ang mga sasakyan kaya napilitang magtanong ang isang driver sa pulis na nakaantabay.
"Ano ba ang nangyayari?"
"Nasa gitna ng kalsada si Erap, galit na galit sa mga may-ari ng gas dahil taas sila nang taas ng presyo. Ang sabi ni Erap, kapag hindi nagbaba ng presyo ang mga langis, bubuhusan niya ang sarili niya ng langis at susunugin niya ang sarili niya."
"Ang bait ni Erap."
"Kaya umiikot kaming mga pulis para tulungan si Erap na makalikom ng kailangan niya eh."
"Magkano na ang nakukuha ninyo?"
"Sa ngayon, tatlong lighter, limang posporo at sampung galon ng gas."
"Ano ba ang nangyayari?"
"Nasa gitna ng kalsada si Erap, galit na galit sa mga may-ari ng gas dahil taas sila nang taas ng presyo. Ang sabi ni Erap, kapag hindi nagbaba ng presyo ang mga langis, bubuhusan niya ang sarili niya ng langis at susunugin niya ang sarili niya."
"Ang bait ni Erap."
"Kaya umiikot kaming mga pulis para tulungan si Erap na makalikom ng kailangan niya eh."
"Magkano na ang nakukuha ninyo?"
"Sa ngayon, tatlong lighter, limang posporo at sampung galon ng gas."
Erap on english class
Pinagbawalan na magsalita ng Tagalog sa English class sina Erap kaya nahirapan siyang magpaalam na pumunta sa banyo ng isang araw.
"Ma`am, father, mother, I," sabi ni Erap sa guro.
"What? kuwento ni Marcos sa ibang presidente."
"Father, mother, I."
"What, what?"
"Tata, Ina, Ako," pananagalog ni Erap.
"Ma`am, father, mother, I," sabi ni Erap sa guro.
"What? kuwento ni Marcos sa ibang presidente."
"Father, mother, I."
"What, what?"
"Tata, Ina, Ako," pananagalog ni Erap.
Erap sa isang ar.
Nakikipaglandian si Erap sa isang babae sa bar.
"Teka, Mr. President, alam mo bang isa akong lesbian?" tanong ng babae.
"Teka, ano ba 'yung lesbian?" tanong ni Erap.
"I love to make love to a sexy girl, undress her, kiss her and embrace her," paliwanag ng tomboy.
Natawa si Erap, "Huwag kang mag-alala, lesbian din pala ako! Pareho tayo ng hilig!"
"Teka, Mr. President, alam mo bang isa akong lesbian?" tanong ng babae.
"Teka, ano ba 'yung lesbian?" tanong ni Erap.
"I love to make love to a sexy girl, undress her, kiss her and embrace her," paliwanag ng tomboy.
Natawa si Erap, "Huwag kang mag-alala, lesbian din pala ako! Pareho tayo ng hilig!"
Erap on homeless
"Ano ho ang plano ninyo para sa mga homeless?" tanong ng isang interviewer kay Erap.
"Marami. Kaso may isa lang na problema."
"Ano po 'yun?"
"Ang hirap nilang hanapin. Wala kasi silang mga address, eh."
"Marami. Kaso may isa lang na problema."
"Ano po 'yun?"
"Ang hirap nilang hanapin. Wala kasi silang mga address, eh."
Erap as president
"Mr. President, our population growth rate is alarming na. May isang babaeng nanganganak bawat minuto," payo ng isang gabinete kay Erap.
"Kailangan natin itong ihinto kaagad!" sigaw ni Erap at tumingin sa ibang tauhan niya, "Hanapin ninyo 'yung babaing 'yun!"
"Kailangan natin itong ihinto kaagad!" sigaw ni Erap at tumingin sa ibang tauhan niya, "Hanapin ninyo 'yung babaing 'yun!"
Erap sa Cultural Center
Nanood ng three act play sina Erap at Loi sa Cultural Center. Pagkatapos ibaba ang telon nang matapos ang act I, nagyayaya na si Erap. "Tara na."
"Teka, intermission pa lang," sagot ni Loi.
"Hindi mo ba nabasa ang program?" tanong ni Erap sabay pakita ng program sa asawa. "Nakasulat * Act II Three Weeks Later. O, maghihintay ka pa?"
"Teka, intermission pa lang," sagot ni Loi.
"Hindi mo ba nabasa ang program?" tanong ni Erap sabay pakita ng program sa asawa. "Nakasulat * Act II Three Weeks Later. O, maghihintay ka pa?"
Erap sa park
Naglalakad sa park si Erap nang bigla siyang nakaramdam na parang may bumagsak sa balikat niya. Tiningnan niya ito at nagalit.
"Lintek na ibon, iniputan ako."
"Sir, kukuha ako ng toilet paper," sabi ng katabing bodyguard.
"Huwag na! Hindi na natin mapupunasan ang puwet ng mga 'yun. Malayo na ang nalipad nila."
"Lintek na ibon, iniputan ako."
"Sir, kukuha ako ng toilet paper," sabi ng katabing bodyguard.
"Huwag na! Hindi na natin mapupunasan ang puwet ng mga 'yun. Malayo na ang nalipad nila."
Erap sa plane
Pa-landing na ang presidential plane. Napansin ng stewardess na parang sumasakit ang tenga ni President Erap dahil sa air pressure kaya lumapit ito.
"Sir, chewing gum para hindi sumakit ang tenga ninyo sa flight," sabi ng stewardess.
Tinanggap ni Erap ang chewing gum. Ilang sandali pa, lumapag na ang eroplano. Kinausap ni Erap ang stewardess.
"Miss, paano ko tatanggalin ang chewing gum sa tenga ko?" tanong nito.
"Sir, chewing gum para hindi sumakit ang tenga ninyo sa flight," sabi ng stewardess.
Tinanggap ni Erap ang chewing gum. Ilang sandali pa, lumapag na ang eroplano. Kinausap ni Erap ang stewardess.
"Miss, paano ko tatanggalin ang chewing gum sa tenga ko?" tanong nito.
Nagpunta si Erap sa England
Nagpunta si Erap sa England at nag-meet sila ng prime minister. Habang kumakain, nagtanong ang prime minister.
"Is San Juanico Bridge the longest bridge in the Philippines?"
"Yes," mabilis na sagot ni Erap saka biglang nag-isip ng maitatanong din…
"Ah...Is London Bridge falling down?"
"Is San Juanico Bridge the longest bridge in the Philippines?"
"Yes," mabilis na sagot ni Erap saka biglang nag-isip ng maitatanong din…
"Ah...Is London Bridge falling down?"
Erap may nahuli
Nahuli ni Erap ang dalawang empleyado niyang nagyayarian sa office niya.
"Violating company rules kayo niyan," paalala ni Erap.
"Anong rule po?" tanong ng lalaki.
Nag-isip muna si Erap, "Not wearing uniforms!"
"Violating company rules kayo niyan," paalala ni Erap.
"Anong rule po?" tanong ng lalaki.
Nag-isip muna si Erap, "Not wearing uniforms!"
Erap as estudyante
"Use fish and pepper in a sentence," utos ng guro ni Erap noong ito'y estudyante pa lang.
"May I borrow a fish of pepper?" sagot ni Erap.
"May I borrow a fish of pepper?" sagot ni Erap.
Erap Kumain sa Labas
"Anong klaseng kanin po ang order ninyo, Mr President?" tanong ng waiter sa Presidente nang minsan itong kumain sa labas.
"Pinoy tayo, eh. Plain rice, syempre," sagot ni Erap.
"Ah* And what about your viand (ulam), sir?"
Nagalit si Erap, "Ano ka ba? Alam mo nang Pinoy tayo, syempre, ang bayan (viand) ko, Pilipinas."
"Pinoy tayo, eh. Plain rice, syempre," sagot ni Erap.
"Ah* And what about your viand (ulam), sir?"
Nagalit si Erap, "Ano ka ba? Alam mo nang Pinoy tayo, syempre, ang bayan (viand) ko, Pilipinas."
Erapand Jude
"Dad, hindi na nila ako lokohin basta-basta," bungad ni Jude sa tatay. "Nagpa-tattoo po ako sa dibdib mismo!"
"Okay 'yan," sabi ni Erap. "Ano ang inilagay mo, cobra o agila?"
"Hello Kitty!"
"Okay 'yan," sabi ni Erap. "Ano ang inilagay mo, cobra o agila?"
"Hello Kitty!"
*** Words of Wisdom ni Erap ***
If the cat is away, the mouse is alone.
If others can do it, don't help anymore.
Don't talk to strangers if your mouth is full.
Don't count the eggs if it is not yours.
If others can do it, don't help anymore.
Don't talk to strangers if your mouth is full.
Don't count the eggs if it is not yours.
Flash report: Erap
Flash report: Nalapnos ang kamay ni Erap pagkatapos kumain sa Chowking.
"Pambihira," nasabi na lang ng presidente. Pinakain ninyo ako ng noodles, wala kayong tinidor, malaki pa ang inyong toothpick."
"Pambihira," nasabi na lang ng presidente. Pinakain ninyo ako ng noodles, wala kayong tinidor, malaki pa ang inyong toothpick."
News Flash: Erap
News Flash: Batman is looking for Erap. According to Batman, it is because Erap walks like a Penguin and thinks like a Joker.
Eraps First International Movie
News Flash. Pierce Brosnan has resigned from playing James Bond and was replaced by a Filipino Actor named Joseph Estrada, IQ 007.
His first movie is titled "His Brain is Not Enough".
His first movie is titled "His Brain is Not Enough".
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